"Nurturing the mother to grow the child."

January is almost over. Winter storms cover the East Coast. What an honor it has been to serve you wherever motherhood finds you this winter. Are you familiar with our tagline? "Nurturing the mother to grow the child." Do you know how deeply we believe this? Motherhood is challenging. Our primary goal is to nurture, support and educate you; enabling you to make the choices best for your family. We are passionate about cheering you on - helping you find your truth.

My heart was filled to overflowing as I watched so many of you play with different baby carriers at the Saturday Café Express and Monday Café. Your laughter and encouragement was contagious. For those of you who joined us for the first time, I applaud you for your bravery in stepping out to connect with women you did not know. For those of you who missed your time with us, be sure to visit the blog for recaps and valuable information.

Be sure to check out all of the upcoming events listed on the calendar. There are many opportunities for connection and support wherever you have need. If there is any way in which we could be serving you better, please let me know.

All my love,

Café Express Recap: Babywearing

I had such a great time introducing babywearing basics at Café Express, and we got to try lots of different types of carriers!

We promised to send some links to babywearing resources. This is only scratching the surface, but here are a few things to look up!

Local community:

Babywearers of Lynchburg have regular meetups and playdates and are a great way to try something out before you buy! Plus, there’s a lending library that’s gradually expanding, so you can test things out at home, too.

If you live closer to Roanoke or Charlottesville, there are groups in those cities that meet regularly, too.

Safety Basics:

The T.I.C.K.S. reminders from The School of Babywearing.

Optimal Positioning Infographic from Babywearing International

Where to buy wraps and carriers:

Unfortunately, there’s not a place locally to buy brand new, and only a limited selection end up at Once Upon a Child or Kidz Kraze. However, there are SO many reputable retail stores online. We don’t endorse any particular store, but you could start with Birdie’s Room, Abby’s Lane (located here in Virginia!), or Marsupial Mamas, to name a few.

You may have heard me refer to some online swaps: the “big swap” is Facebook’s Babywearing B/S/T (no price limits), and there’s also Babywearing on a Budget (everything must be under $100). Some tips: Read all of the rules first, and take time to learn the shorthand. As with any online peer-to-peer marketplace, there can be risks, but if you look at feedback and as questions, you can find some great things to try. On the big swap, don’t be surprised if some things are listed for more than $150 — remember most of these items will hold much of their value if well cared for, and pricing comments or criticism are not allowed on the swap.

Online communities:

There are all kinds on Facebook: groups for handwoven wrap lovers or fans of particular brands, local groups, babywearers of diversity, and the list goes on! Babywearing 102 has been a good place to learn, with a lot of documents with resources. However, it’s exploded with growth and can have the drama that comes with lots of strangers hanging out in the same place! TheBabywearer.com (self-described as “premier internet forum dedicated to babywearing”) is a long-established group, but the forums are hosted within their website, not on Facebook.

If you have questions about what you heard on Saturday, don’t hesitate to ask.

And remember: we support and encourage each other, whether we fall down the rabbit hole of babywearing, or decide to forget all the fabric and enjoy our strollers!

Happy New Year from The Motherhood Collective!

For those of you who joined us for the first time yesterday morning, welcome! We enjoyed meeting each of you and truly hope you were able to connect, learn and receive support. If you have any questions about yesterday's topic, panelists, our resources, please let me know: lbarnes@themotherhoodcollective.org. The Café panelists covered a vast array of subjects, from adding value to our children to their methods of correction. They encouraged us to embrace today, reminding us that the challenges we face today will fade and new obstacles will arise with each year of growth (even when our children are grown!). Each season with our children is precious and brief. Eileen spoke of how she writes out a blessing for her children full of hopes for their future and affirmations of who they are today. She reads this to them on their birthday and frames them. What a beautiful idea!

Our hope for this year is to bring more depth to our education and support by serving you in love, on purpose and with focus. We are honored to create spaces where women of all philosophies, parenting theories, ages, and backgrounds can come together and support one another. Together we will "nurture the mother to grow the child".

Most sincerely,

Books About Strong, Influential Women

For the past several years, my husband has had the tradition of gifting me non-fiction books about strong, influential women. Their fields of study and backgrounds vary, but each woman has contributed to society in significant ways. Some of these are memoirs, other are biographies and some are simply non-fiction stories of women (and some men) taking risks to do what they love or stand up for what they believe in. Some are helping others, some are helping themselves. All of these books will leave you feeling thankful for these women, and motivated to get out and make a difference in the world around you.

I Am Malala: The Girl Who Stood Up for Education and Was Shot by the Taliban by Malala Yousafzai

An incredible story and insight into the life of families living under the Taliban rule. After being shot in the head, Malala did not silence her outcry for education for herself and her female classmates. A story about the influence we can provide as parents for our children, and an example of how one strong and outspoken girl can change the world.

Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace One School at a Time by Greg Mortenson

While not actually written by or about women specifically, this book makes the list anyway for its great humanitarian story. Greg Mortenson unexpectedly found himself devoting his life to the schools and education of children in one of the most inaccessible and dangerous areas of the world. His hiking adventures lead to his discovery of a lack of educational resources that he could not help but get involved in. In this case, one man really does make a difference in his quest to bring peace and education to the children of Pakistan.

Reading Lolita in Tehran: A Memoir in Books by Azar Nafisi

Set in Iran, this is the true story of a secret book club lead by author Azar Nafisi. Her young students learned about literature and the ways of the world through the pages of Jane Austen, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Henry James, and Vladimir Nabokov. The parallels in the literature and their own lives helped them to mentally survive a time of tyrannical revolution in their home, as they learned together to speak their minds and think for themselves. A small but heroic undertaking, Ms. Nafisi risked her life to provide a life worth living for her students.

In the Shadow of Man by Jane Goodall

In this fascinating book Jane Goodall writes about her amazing experiences while living with the wild chimpanzees of Gombe. You will cheer as she makes breakthroughs and builds relationships with the chimpanzees, learning about them as individuals and as a species. After an inordinate amount of patience in the beginning of her project, her persistence pays off and she (and the reader) are rewarded with a look inside the lives of these amazing creatures. A feel-good book chronicling the research that brought us invaluable knowledge about our closest primate relatives.

Sally Ride: America's First Woman in Space by Lynn Sherr

The newest book in my collection, I am about 3/4 finished reading the riveting adventures of Sally Ride. Written by a journalist that covered Ms. Ride in her prime, this book starts with her childhood and follows the course of her life and career at NASA and beyond. I didn't even know I was interested in Sally Ride, and I'm not what you would call a space geek by any means, but I can't put this book down. Ms. Ride's drive, intelligence and determination led to her successes and it is fascinating to follow.

Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali

A truly powerful and often disturbing story. Reading it made me feel both shocked and ashamed that I knew so little of what goes on in other parts of the world. At times it feels like too much to handle, because the problem is so big and so broad that how can we help? But education is the first step toward bettering ourselves and the world, so I highly recommend this autobiographical book by Ms. Ali. Her endurance and achievement in the face of so much hardship is encouraging and a lesson to us all.

*This post contains affiliate links. Thank you for supporting The Motherhood Collective!

'Tis the Season: Volunteer!

In this season of giving and holiday cheer, I wanted to write a bit about some local nonprofits and groups that could use your help. The weather is getting colder and going without is even harder in the winter months. Combine that with the holidays, a time when we often count our blessings and reach out to those with less, and this is a popular time of year to volunteer.

How to Get Involved

If you're looking for a place to start, consider starting here! The Motherhood Collective is a nonprofit, volunteer-run organization. If we have aided in your journey as a mother (or mom-to-be, or grandmother, or whatever journey you are on), then we are thrilled. Our group is constantly growing and changing, and we have several roles that need to be filled in 2015. If you have found a passion in motherhood and would like to help others along their way, please contact us, we would love to hear from you.

The Motherhood Collective was fortune to be awarded 5th place in the recent Giving Back Awards by Lynchburg Living. We were in the company of some amazing nonprofits that are bettering our community in so many ways. Some notable organizations recognized in the Giving Back Awards that could use your help are listed below.

• Urban Mountain Adventures - Coach an adventure trip!
• Junior League of Lynchburg - Join to work with many local nonprofits and national organizations!
• CASA - Become a volunteer and change a child's life!
• Kids' Haven - Make a meal!
• Lynchburg Humane Society - Foster a pet!
• Lynchburg Daily Bread - Prepare, cook or serve a meal to the homeless and hungry!
• Meals on Wheels - Deliver a meal!

Why You Should Volunteer

In addition to the obvious benefits of helping those in need, volunteerism is also a wonderful thing to do for yourself. Often mothers find themselves suddenly spending their days without adult company or intellectual stimulation (babies are cute, but not great conversationalists). While going back to work full time may not be an option, volunteering a few hours a week can be a welcome relief for stay at home moms. It is an opportunity to spend some time away from your child, helping them gain independence and giving you a chance to miss them and better enjoy the time you have together. Even in times of struggle (and we have all struggled as parents), helping others brings a sense of pride and perspective that can give you strength.

Whether you work or stay home with your children, volunteering sets a great example. We all want to raise good, helpful children and leading by example is the best way to achieve that goal. Older children may be able to go with you to volunteer as well, and learn the importance of helping others. This time of year is especially ripe with opportunities for kids to give back:

• Collect Toys for Tots
• Adopt a child through an Angel Tree program
• Help a senior with Be a Santa to a Senior

I hope you find an organization that can benefit from your strengths and kindness, and that you both prosper. And remember, these groups need your help ALL year long. Start now, and continue your involvement throughout the new year!

Cafe Recap: Toys & Technology

Panelists: Maria Hayden and Jessica Reagan, and our moderator, Lauren Barnes.

We recently had a Cafe about playtime and creative parenting that focused on non-media related activities. The goal for today's mom-to-mom panel is to get the conversation going around technology...not to bash or applaud one way of parenting, but simply to provide you with resources, ideas and different perspectives.

The AAP suggests that "Children and teens should engage with entertainment media for no more than one or two hours per day, and that should be high-quality content. It is important for kids to spend time on outdoor play, reading, hobbies, and using their imaginations in free play. Television and other entertainment media should be avoided for infants and children under age 2. A child's brain develops rapidly during these first years, and young children learn best by interacting with people, not screens." Jess agrees with this guideline but it is not a hard and fast rule in her house. She finds that having a strict rule is unproductive but she does generally limit screen time for her kids.

One study suggests taping tv shows so that you can pause and discuss the content of the show as a family when pertinent. Maria's family has a weekly dinner and a movie tradition. She finds herself screening movies before introducing them to her two-year-old, and seeing them through new eyes as a mother. She also suggests Netflix for finding content that is easy to pause and discuss.

Jess does not have limits on TV usage, in an attempt to keep TV from becoming something that her children covet and see as the ultimate treat. She has reached a point that her children will watch a little bit of TV when they want to, and then after a little bit they decide they are done and move on to something else. At one point she found her family watching more TV than desirable, so she put a blanket over the TV and said it was resting. Her kids adorably ask if the TV is sleeping, but it is not something that has become a battle in her house. She thinks that by allowing them some control over their TV time she has decreased the value of television.

TV can be used as a tool for educational purposes as well. Lauren's child was excited to see winter sports on YouTube during the excitement of the Olympics, and since these sports are not available locally it was an opportunity to learn about them. Some suggestions for getting the most out of TV:

• Look for programs, specials, documentaries, etc that explore areas of interest to him/her.
• Use events in the news and subjects of fictitious programs as springboards for discussion.
• Encourage your youngster to broaden her horizons by watching programs that transport her to other times and places, or that expose her to different perspectives or philosophies.

Some favorite TV shows from our audience members: Doozers (Hulu), Dinosaur Train (PBS), Magic School Bus (Netflix), Word Girl (Netflix), Daniel Tiger, Clifford, and Sesame Street (Netflix and Amazon).

Some parents use Facetime to give grandparents and family members that live far away the opportunity to see and interact with the baby. Both of our panelists used the term "survival mode" as a time that they use TV to keep their own sanity and take a needed break.

Jess knows that her children will be exposed to and involved in media and the online community, and she wants to be the one to introduce it to them. Fighting social media is a futile battle, so she wants to educate her children on how to use it responsibly when they reach an appropriate age.

Educational apps and tools can help us make the most of the limited screen time that our children are exposed to. Some examples include sign language apps and personal care apps (bath time, potty training) . Many phones have child locks that either keep your child locked inside an app (so they don't have access to the rest of your phone), and/or allow them to only access specific parts of the screen. Educational app resources:

• Our favorite - you can seach by age, device and price! - Kindertown
• Parents Magazine
• Family Education
• Common Sense Media: Guidelines
• Common Sense Media: Kids' Apps

With the holidays approaching, we wanted to gather some ideas for children's gifts. Some of Lauren's favorites for her daughter, as well as suggestions from audience members include: costumes, puzzles, books, dolls, art supplies, memberships (museums, etc.), blocks. More gift guides and ideas:

• The Imagination Tree: Toys for Babies & Toddlers
• The Imagination Tree: Toys for 2-6 Year Olds

Further resources for study: This article in Pediatrics Journal describes the impact of TV on young children's development. The AAP shares this article on Media and Children.

14 Things Moms Need to Get Over Immediately

The Motherhood Collective is grateful to Brittany for allowing us to share her post today! Being a mom is no easy task; I am one, so I know. But I also think there are certain things we moms hold on to that are kind of ridiculous, and it’s about time we give them up.

If we want to be sane/happy, that is. And if you’re sane and happy you have fewer excuses for eating chocolate, so you’ll have to weigh this decision carefully. If you decide to choose the path of sanity (I will if you will!) here’s what you’ll need to surrender:

Your husband will love you for #3!

1. Get Over… Pinterest Shame

I considered not even including this one because it’s so obvious, but it had to be said– just please, for me, assume that all those moms making gourmet organic dinners and designer birthday cake backdrops are employing small armies of Oompa Loompas to help make it happen. Ok? Ok.

2. Get Over… French Kids

I swear, if I read one more article about how french children eat brussels sprouts and poop butterflies, I might have to slap someone. Sure, people in other countries do things differently than we do. Sometimes it’s good different and sometimes it’s bad different. Who cares? You aren’t French and that’s okay. (Unless you are… in which case, yay for you!)

Trade your french guilt for French fries. And don’t feel bad about those either. tweet

3. Get Over… Spontaneity in the Bedroom

If you’re waiting for the stars to align and the elusive “mood” to strike, you might be waiting forever. With kids in the house and distractions everywhere, you might have to give up on “the mood” and settle for “the moment of privacy in which you cultivate the mood.”

It’s only fair.

4. Get Over… Your Pre-Baby Body

Some women are able to make it look like they never had kids. No stretch marks, no lower abdomen pouch, no sagging anywhere… but those women are secretly wizards. Lady wizards. You need not concern yourself with them, because you are a human.

Does your tummy look like you just came from a street fight with Wolverine? Right on! Rock those baby scars like a boss! You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are a warrior!

Plus, how’s anyone supposed to go easy on carbs when there are sandwich crusts EVERYWHERE!? Who’s going to be the human garbage disposal if not you? There are starving children in Africa, for heaven’s sake; the least you can do for them is eat your kids’ discarded food. Because somehow that will help, right?

5. Get Over… Giant Baby Bows

I don’t have girls, but I really feel for my peers who feel the need to plaster giant flowers on their little girls until they’re old enough for pigtails.

Really, guys, the pink clothes are enough. Those of us who aren’t colorblind can tell she’s a girl. No need to also make her look like a flower pot.

…and come to think of it, even if she isn’t in pink, who cares? She’s a baby! Are we really concerned if the random lady at the store thinks she’s a boy? Let’s take it easy with the gender stress, shall we? Parenthood is stressful enough.

6. Get Over… Having Nice Things

That way, when your kid barfs on it, poops on it, colors it with permanent marker, kicks a ball into it or uses it as a weapon until it’s destroyed, you will get the satisfaction of saying, “See? That’s why we don’t have nice things.”

7. Get Over… Fear of Posting Too Many Baby Photos on Facebook

Sure, there are people who don’t want to see your beautiful children. But I do! I love babies! If Facebook were one giant festival of baby cuteness, that would be okay with me. If you’re really worried about overloading your friends with adorableness, you can just send those beautiful photos to me and I will smile at them all day long. And so will your grandma. Post ‘em for Grandma to enjoy… when she’s not busy playing Farmville, of course.

Your husband will love you for #3!

8. Get Over… Hiding Your Crutches

Let me guess… your kids are watching too much TV and eating too much fast food. It’s okay, so are mine. And chances are, so did you, when you were a kid. We all know it’s not the best, but you know what? It could be a lot worse, too. When we pretend we don’t rely on these and other “mom crutches” all we do is perpetuate a culture of shame and guilt that isolates us and makes us feel inferior to each other.

That said, if you’re one of those moms whose kids read Dickens all day and eat kale salads for dinner, more power to you. If you want to invite my kids over and teach them how to be awesome, please do. When your kids are at my house, I’ll teach them how to make poop jokes.

I think it’s a pretty good trade.

9. Get Over… Giving More Than One Present at a Time

When did this become a thing? Is it really a happier birthday or merrier Christmas when we get 5 presents, or even 10? Or can it be just as special, if not more so, if we give each other one gift per holiday? Just a thought…

10. Get Over… The WebMD Rabbit Hole

I know it’s scary when our kids are experiencing symptoms we don’t quite understand. Naturally, we want answers and we want them NOW. But before you start treating your kids for a rare disease, you might want to consider consulting a doctor. Because… um… you aren’t one.

11. Get Over… Parenting Debates Online

Debating about how to be a good parent is like debating about which is the tastiest dessert. Clearly, there is only one right answer on both issues and the answer is chocolate chip cookies.

No, that’s not right. (Or is it…?) What I really meant to say is that parenting is SO subjective. What works in one family or even for one particular kid will not be the best thing for the next, and that’s okay. As long as everybody’s making these decisions out of love and respect for their children, doing the very best they can, do we really need to fight about the details?

And even if we’re right, do we really think we’re going to change some stranger’s mind about such a personal subject with our impassioned (albeit anonymous) comments? Is that really the best use of our time and energy? I think not.

In fact, let’s just not argue… in general. That would be lovely.

12. Get Over… Suffering in Silence

Being a mom really sucks sometimes. Don’t believe me? Read my other post, 10 Things that Suck About Motherhood.

Motherhood is the suckiest thing you’ll ever love. And it’s okay to be sad and frustrated sometimes. It’s okay to be lonely. Here’s what’s not okay: Being a Martyr. There are people out there who can and will help you, if you ask. Please ask for help. Don’t pretend like you don’t need it. We all need it.

13. Get Over… Being Squeamish About Anything

Anything you think is too gross to fit your job description will inevitably cross your path as a mom. I’m talking, someone else’s barf in your mouth, pee in your nose and blood everywhere. Sometimes, the harder we try to fight it, the grosser things get. And the moment you think you’re not squeamish anymore… your kids will make you squeam.

Eww, that’s kind of a gross word. Squeam. *shudder*

14. Get Over… Being Cool

Sorry guys, the time to be cool has come and gone. Welcome to the age of being a fuddy duddy. And being the kind of person who knows what a “fuddy duddy” is, makes you one.

Gone are the days of doing/wearing hip things, going to hip places, and staying awake until the hip hours of the morning. Sure, you can still do that stuff and from time to time you will, but if you’re anything like most parents I know, you’ll feel a little bit like you’re in costume the whole time and BOY, will you be sorry in the morning!

This is not something you need to be sad about. Because, you know what’s cooler than being cool? Ice cream in bed! And Netflix! And jammies! And having a quiet house so you can do important grown-up things, like fall asleep mid-sentence while you scroll through your Pinterest feed! Party on, party people.

Over to You

So, what do you think? Is there anything I missed? Anything you think it’s time we should get over? Let me know in the comments! I love hearing from you. Until then, good luck getting over this stuff. I’ll work on it too. Together, we’ll find a way to become sane.

Or not. =)

The Problem with the Post-Baby Body

The Motherhood Collective is grateful to Kathryn from Life Spruce Blog for allowing us to share her post today.  

Did you know that Cincinnati Ohio has their OWN chili? They even have restaurants dedicated to this chili, called "Skyline Chili." I wish I could recommend that you go eat at one of these little diners the next time you are in Ohio but...from my experience, nothing beats homemade "Three-Way/ Cincinnati/ Skyline" Chili.

The reason is is called "Three-Way" is that you eat this chili on top of spaghetti and topped with cheese (Three components). There is also Four-Way (add beans) and Five-Way (add raw, diced onions). But the Arpke family always loved "Three-Way" the best.

My dad makes the best Three-Way ever. In fact, I used to say that I wanted to eat this chili at my wedding. Considering my nick-name was "Slop-Slop" while growing up, it is a good thing that I chose NOT to eat this in my wedding dress when I got married.

The thing is, my current Meng family doesn't LIKE "Three-Way." It was too spicy for them and the spaghetti was just weird to my husband (Psh, husband!).

So this recipe is a "Nod"to Cincinnati Chili. There are a few secret spices that make me think of my dad's chili but otherwise, it is just an absolutely delicious (non-spicy!) meat, beans, and tomato chili.

Or, as I have been told at a potluck I took this chili to: "This is the best chili I have ever eaten!"

::blush::

So here it is: My "Nod to Cincinnati Chili"

Ingredients: 1 large or 2 medium onions, diced 1 lb ground beef 1 lb sausage (breakfast? Sage? spicy Italian? your choice!) 3-4 cloves of garlic (minced) (or a heaping tablespoon from a jar of minced garlic) 3 cans kidney beans, drained and rinsed 2 cans petite diced tomatoes, not drained 2 (8 oz) cans of tomato sauce 1 (6 oz) can tomato paste 5 cups water

Spices: (here's where it gets special)

Magic Spices (not pictured: Brown Sugar).

3 TB Chili powder 3 TB brown sugar 2 tsp unsweetened cocoa power* 1 tsp cinnamon* 1 tsp ground cumin 1 tsp dried oregano 1 tsp seasoning salt 1-2 bay leaves

See those stars above? It's the cinnamon and cocoa powder that give this chili the Cincinnati kick! If you want to make this chili with a packet of Chili seasoning from the store, go ahead! But don't forget the cinnamon and cocoa powder (and a bit of brown sugar!)

Make it! (start early in the afternoon so your chili can simmer away for a few hours)

Brown meat and onions in a large skillet over medium/high heat (or you can use your soup pot. I just find that it is easier to cook the meat in skillet). Drain fat and dump into a large soup pot. Key word: large.

Over medium heat, add the garlic and cook until fragrant. Add beans, tomato products, and water. Stir.

Add spices in a small bowl and mix until combined. Or just dump them in the pot. I just like the step of stirring all the spices together and then pouring such a delightful mixture into the pot.

This is where the magic happens. Your chili will turn from a tomato-red to a deep, dark, delicious, chili red. The cocoa powder is the key here to such a rich, dark color.

Bring your chili to a boil and then reduce to a simmer. Cock a lid over the chili, allowing a vent and simmer that baby for 2-4 hours, stirring occasionally. Your chili should get nice and thick. Before serving taste and adjust salt if needed.

My chili is simmering away on the stove. See that deep color? Mmm!

(I have made this in a crock pot too (cook meat and onions first, then dump everything in) but it doesn't get as thick as simmering it on the stove. Still yummy though!).

Enjoy the way your house smells all afternoon as you breathe in the heavenly scents.

Serve your chili plain or, the way I like it:  topped with sour cream, shredded cheddar-jack cheese, and a handful of fritos.

Enjoy!

Cafe Recap: Creative Parenting

Panelists: Josie Olson (Registered Play Therapist and Mama) and Madie Haskell (Early Childhood Education Professor, Mama and Grandma), and our moderator, Lauren Barnes.

We will spend the morning discussing some creative ways parents can encourage children to regulate their emotions, utilize problem-solving skills, encourage mindfulness, and deal with that o-so-scary temper tantrum. The goal for this cafe topic is to get conversation going about parenting and to provide you with resources, ideas, and hopefully some refreshing perspectives.

Problem solving skills can be gained through play, says Josie. Adapting to and interacting with their environment can nurture these skills. If safety is not an issue, she recommends letting children work through problems themselves. Madie agrees and adds a reminder that there are very few things in a toddler's life that they are in control of. If you can add things to their lives that they can control, this will teach them responsibility and problem solving. Giving them the opportunity to help solve situations by asking questions ("What's going on here?") will be more beneficial than simply telling them the solution. She stresses that problem solving is key to emotional and social well being, which can help them be successful in life.

Josie says that mindfulness can be promoted by tracking a child's behaviors (by narrating aloud), and making suggestions when they could use some help. Explaining what you're doing as you do it (while cooking in the kitchen, for example) will help them see that what you're doing has a purpose. In terms of milestones, Madie says that there is not a specific time at which children should be learning certain responsibilities. There is a guideline (link), but it is not rigid.  Karen Ruskin, the author of The 9 Key Techniques for Raising Respectful Children Who Make Responsible Choices, suggests these steps: 1. Start young 2. Let them help you 3. Show kids the way 4. Model responsibility 5. Praise them 6. Manage your expectations 7. Avoid rewards 8. Provide structure and routine 9. Teach consquences

Many of these ideas mimic the Montessori way of teaching, through play-based learning and allowing children to help with real life tasks. Josie reiterates that modeling for children will let them learn. She suggests child-sized tools (brooms, gardening tools, etc.) to let children help around the house. Madie warns against rewards for expected responsibilities, but a spontaneous good deed or surprise is fun and beneficial. Our audience questions how to teach consequences, and Josie suggests the book Have a New Kid by Friday. Madie says the hardest part of teaching consequences is the parent; we naturally want to give in and see our children be happy. Following through with consequences is not the path of least resistance, and sometimes we as parents do give in (and that's okay!). An audience member acknowledges that she knows consistency is key, but it is hard to do. A funny tool called the Dammit Doll can help parents release frustration (out of sight of children, of course).

Teaching empathy to a child can be challenging. Josie suggests being an example for your child and treating those who are different with respect and humanity. Doing charitable acts, helping others and being kind to someone in a difficult situation shows your child how to respond in the world. Filial Therapy including expressive arts, directed drawing and more (coming up with a family crest or moto, for example) can give insight into the family relationship.

When it comes to play, Madie recommends watching children play without interruption (our tendency is to control or direct them), as independent play is vital for children. Playing with adults includes doing everyday tasks together (walking together to get the mail) and is also very beneficial for children by helping them understand the world around them. Cooking is a great way to play with children, and can help promote good eating habits. Parents benefit from this play, too! Our audience members mentioned that sometimes kids want parents to "play" with them, but then they ignore you. Madie says this is normal and just being available is good. She suggests introducing a new toy (or unusual household item or tool) every month or so to keep kids interested and learning new things.

Regulating emotions can be done through expressive arts (having children draw a picture of their feelings), asking how they feel (as opposed to telling them), using stress balls, inflating balloons to practice/mimic breathing, molding clay (pound it if you're angry, etc.). The goal is to allow them to realize that all feelings are okay, but all actions are not. We want to give them an appropriate outlet for their feelings and emotions. Lauren suggests introducing these stress management tools when they are not in the throes of an emotional meltdown, so that they will know how to use them when they are needed. Books may not be helpful during a meltdown, but using a book afterwords to open a discussion about what they were feeling is very helpful. Modeling all of the different emotions as a family (again, not during a heated moment), is a helpful tool as well. Talking through our own emotions as parents is a good example of showing how to handle strong emotions and allowing children to understand that everyone has these feelings.

One parent mentioned the need for her child to be productive despite sad or unpleasant feelings. Our panelists suggest that acknowledging their feelings and then setting a limit (a timer or activity) can be a compromise. Madie says to always use positive feedback when discussing feelings ("I appreciate that you are feeling sad. It is very sweet that you're missing Daddy.")

Why do temper tantrums happen??! Reasons include a battle for independence, limited skills to influence the events in their lives, inconsistency and unrealistic expectations, undue strictness, over-protectiveness, overindulgence, and lack of assertive limit setting. Conscious discipline is one method (there are many!) for dealing with a child's undesirable behavior. The STAR method  (Smile, Take a breath, And Relax) is mentioned in this video from ConsciousDiscipline.com, which discusses reasons and methods for dealing with temper tantrums.

For children who are easily frustrated and want to give up on tasks, emphasizing effort as opposed to the outcome can help children's self-esteem. Congratulate a child's effort and encourage practice to build tenacity and a willingness to continue trying even after failure. Give reminders of other skills they have mastered to show them that they are making progress.

Madie has helpfully provided a slideshow covering many of the topics discussed today. Click here to download the Power Point presentation.

A confession: I don’t love breastfeeding.

The Motherhood Collective is thankful to Heidi for letting us share her post today!  Please check out Heidi's blog over at Notes From Heidi!  

After six weeks of breastfeeding for the second time, it’s confession time: I don’t love breastfeeding. In fact, I don’t really even like it that much.

I first acknowledged this a couple of weeks ago and it’s actually made my struggle to breastfeed a little easier. Oh, and before I go further, know that I’m not writing this to complain, but quite the contrary. Giving up the desire to love breastfeeding means relinquishing an area of motherhood that I have little control over. It means sacrificing my expectations for something more important. These are both good things.

I write this to share a little of my journey with my boys and to hopefully shed some light on a couple of breastfeeding struggles which might be a surprise to other couples (because they certainly threw us for a loop at first!).

My boys haven’t been easy. Callan took several weeks to latch, so most of my milk expression was via pumping, which I found incredibly awkward. He had a golden time of a couple of months when we did great, but most of the time he was claustrophobic and pulled to get away. That made me constantly sore and unable to do anything but hold on til he was done. Sean, while he latched immediately and that was wonderful, has reflux issues. He spends about half of our nursing sessions gasping, choking, and getting frustrated because he can’t get more than a couple of mouthfuls at a time. If I keep him on a strict two hour schedule he does better, but anytime I give in and feed him more frequently he nurses worse and more often, since he can’t get as much to eat.

My boys’ struggles are pretty easy to figure out and pinpoint; but they’re only half of the equation. My problems are a little more difficult to manage, and I have to overcome them nearly every single time I nurse. First off, I don’t like the feeling of nursing. It’s a relief, sure, especially then I’m swollen to twice my normal size and sore. But once the relief is over I don’t like the way it feels. I have to force myself to relax, hold the baby loosely, and try to think about something else. Then there is the let down, when the milk starts to flow, accompanied by a hormonal crash. I literally spend a few minutes in a deep depression with the let down and have to just ride it out til things stabilize. We’ve learned that most discussions have to simply wait til I’m done nursing; I’ve even cried when Alex was joking, solely because of the hormones.

I am blessed to have a wonderfully supportive husband when it comes to breastfeeding. I am still tempted with Sean to pump and just give him a bottle; Alex helps me stick it out. During those really hard days with Callan he would sit with me through every nursing session he was home and just be there. I didn’t want to be touched or helped, but I spent so many nursing sessions crying because it was so hard that having his company encouraged me to keep trying, even though it took over a month to get the hang of it.

No, I don’t like it. But when I see Sean’s chubby cheeks and look back at pictures of Callan (too big for his Bumbo at five months!), I try to remember that it’s worth it. That the long term benefits of this bit of short term discomfort for me means my boys are healthy and thriving. If I can just keep that in mind, my breastfeeding journey will, in the grand scheme of things, be a good one.

Note: I starting thinking through this blog post in the thick of the reflux battle with Sean. Since then we’ve stuck to a strict schedule and he’s gotten much better; I’ve even had a couple of “in love” moments while watching him nurse. It appears that with the highs, lows, and middles of breastfeeding, we’re on middle ground for a little while…thank goodness!

10 Reasons Why You Should Get Cooking With Your Kids!

The Motherhood Collective is grateful to Momma Lew for allowing us to share her post today!  Please check out her blog at Momma Lew!

Cooking with your kids is probably one of the best things you and your child can do together!  So my advice?  Let go of the fact that there is going to be flour probably EVERYWHERE, sauce on the floor and you are going to have lots of dirtied utensils.  So why is it so great?

1.  The top and #1 reason:  You are spending quality time together.
2. By giving your child the responsibility of building a meal for the whole family, they feel confident.
3. Builds their self-esteem!
4. It’s educational by learning math & reading skills – adding/subtracting, geometry, fractions, reading a recipe, etc.
5. Teaches them to follow directions.  We all know as parents, how great this is right?
6. It teaches then to be patient and not to rush.
7. It teaches them coordination.  Being able to keep that flour in the measuring cup and then actually get it in the bowl, is hard!
8. They’ll be more likely to eat what they cooked, meaning they will try new foods and eat more fruits or vegetables.
9. They become independent and self-sufficient!
10. You are teaching them a skill that will last a lifetime!

Running on Empty

 The Motherhood Collective is very thankful to Nicole for allowing us to share her post today!

In the event of an emergency put your own oxygen mask on first, and then assist others if the cabin loses air pressure.  ~Every Flight Attendant on every flight

One day I happened to notice a conversation happening on Facebook.  The scrolling posts on the side of my news-feed showed a friend had commented on someone’s status update.  She seemed to be defending herself because the other person made a comment that essentially called stay-at-home moms selfish for taking their kids to the gym daycare so they could workout.  Selfish?!

My fourth baby was born with reflux but he wasn’t diagnosed until he was 2.5 months old.  So I spent the first few months of his life holding him upright so he could sleep.  Which meant I wasn’t.  One afternoon I went to a birthday party for one of my daughter’s friends and after hearing how I wasn’t getting any sleep another mom made the comment, “well I guess that means no more running for you”.  And that couldn’t be the farthest from the truth.  I had to run.  I needed it.  I could be dead tired and lacing up my shoes wondering how in the world would I have the energy to run a mile, let alone 2 or 3 or 4, and yet I knew it was what I needed to do.  Because my days and nights are spent taking care of my kids–I needed that hour to clear my head– to take care of me. And yet when I went to the gym after seeing that Facebook exchange, as I ran on the treadmill while my kids were in the gym day care, all I could hear as my feet pounded the belt was: selfish mom, selfish mom, selfish mom.

Awake all night holding my son upright in a chair in the living room because even lying back on my bed wasn’t enough to help his reflux.  But I’m a selfish mom?

Making sure my kids have warm and healthy meals every day when sometimes I forget to eat my own breakfast because mornings get so busy taking care of them.  But I’m a selfish mom?

My husband and I deciding to forgo gifts for each other’s birthdays so we could enroll our kids in swim lessons instead.  But I’m a selfish mom?

Developing PUPPS at 37 weeks pregnant and my OB offered a c-section so I would haven’t to suffer, but I declined, knowing the best thing for my unborn baby was to let him grow inside me.  But I’m a selfish mom?

I’ll never forget the time our family went on vacation to Florida.  What was most memorable was the flight over.  Actually, it started with the drive to the airport.  My son threw up in his car seat four times during the drive.  So by the time we unloaded the twins car seats and fumbled with a double stroller, two convertable car seats and three kids through security, installed the car seats on the airplane, I was a frazzled mess when  I finally got to sit down.

I immediately started handing out snacks and sippy cups while the flight attendant gave her safety speech.  I vaguely heard what she was saying. As she walked by my row, she looked down at me and said, “Mom, you have to put your oxygen mask on before you even think of helping your kids”.  I mumbled an ‘hmmm hmmm’ as I was picking up goldfish crackers off the floor while searching for the lollipops to help with the pressure at take-off.  She knelt down and looked me directly in the eyes and said, “I mean it.  You can’t be supermom if you don’t put your oxygen mask on first.”

I got it.

She was giving me permission to take care of myself first.  My eyes welled up with tears.  Probably because the whole trip (and we hadn’t even taken off yet) had been so overwhelming and about taking care of everyone but myself.  Because everything I packed in my carry on was for the kids.  Sippy cups, snacks, stickers, toys, extra clothes, blankies–for them.  And when my son had thrown up all over the car seat and we realized we didn’t have anything to wipe it off,  I took my sweater off to wipe it clean.  For my kids.

Because a mom’s life is about being anything but selfish.  We spend our days serving and giving, many times without a thank you.  And that’s ok, because most of us knew what we were signing up for when we decided to become parents.  But when moms start calling other moms selfish for working out, for taking an hour out of the 24 in the hours in the day they spend being the most selfless people on earth, I have to stand up and say, no!

We have to stop with the mommy-bashing.

We have to take care of ourselves and support each other.  Working out gives me the energy I need to face my days and to be the constant giver. I can think about nothing or everything, I can worry about my kids, make mental to-do lists, I can clear my head.  And yes, I can be selfish and take care of my body– inside and out.

Just this once, I’m putting my mask on first so I can be a better mom, wife and woman.  Maybe your mask isn’t running, but it’s escaping with a book while your husband watches the kids, or maybe it’s going out with a girlfriend for a coffee.  Whatever it is, I’m kneeling down and looking you in the eyes to say:  it’s ok to put your mask on first so you aren’t constantly running on empty.

Never Give Up, Nicole

Hauling “The Carseat” across the airport parking lot for our trip to Florida.

My Fit Family had the honor of guest blogging for MomCom. We’re reposting the article for our readers but be sure to check out their site–“MomCom started as a conference but is quickly becoming a resource for women in the areas of motherhood, entrepreneurship and community building.”

About Nicole Scott

Born and raised in California, I'm currently living in Austin, TX with my superman husband, a quirky 8-year-old daughter, hilarious and sweet 5-year-old boy and girl twins, and the happiest 16 -month-old baby boy on the planet. I'm a marathoner, health and fitness enthusiast, finally an ultra-marathoner, a cautious writer, former teacher and currently a stay at home mom. I'm wordy on paper but never in person. And I'm unapologetically raising my kids to be my mini-me's: big dreamers and hard workers. You can find me writing at My Fit Family and at the Huffington Post.

Cafe Recap: Girlfriend’s Guide to Postpartum

Our panelists: Jilayne Luckey (Mama and PPMD Support Group Leader), Nycole Fox Formo (Mama and PPMD Support Group Leader), Julie Brown (Mama and RN), and Danielle Hunter (Mama), and our moderator, Lauren Barnes.

Childbirth is very intense physically on our bodies. Six weeks is the typical time for a postpartum followup appointment with your OB or Midwife. At this point most women are told that they can resume their everyday lifestyle, with the exception of very strenuous exercise. In reality, our audience felt that it took about 2 months or more before they felt normal again vaginally. Another unexpected postpartum symptom: night sweats. The hormones in our body cause many women to wake up completely sweaty during the night. Keep a towel or change of clothes nearby!

In terms of breastfeeding, our bodies go through several stages. Julie explains that when the placenta is delivered the body starts producing colostrum (a yellow, nutrient-rich milk). Even without feeling full, it is very important to nurse at this point as it will help increase your milk supply. A few days after birth (up to about 5-6 days with a C-section), your milk will come in and your breasts will feel full and heavy (sometimes engorged). It is totally normal to be confused or unsure about your milk and whether it has come in or not. Contact a lactation consultant for reassurance or help with breastfeeding.

Jilayne advises to keep in mind that even after several pregnancies, there can be physical symptoms you're unprepared for after birth. Some experienced mothers are met with the attitude that they know what they're doing and don't need help. With several children to care for, this is not true! Each child and birth are unique and bring their own challenges. Danielle was surprised that the recovery with her second birth was so much different than with her first.

Changes in appetite, hair loss, continually sore joints, mood swings, several weeks of spotting or bleeding, and strange dreams are other normal physical symptoms of the postpartum period.

Emotionally, there may be several hardships to overcome. Many women do not feel the immediate bond with their newborn that they expect. Nycole talks of the vulnerability that you are exposed to by the tremendous feelings you have for your child. Expectations can be hard to overcome if things do not go as you think they will. Babies can be very unpredictable and this is hard for some women who like to be in control. Reaction versus response is an important distinction. If you can accept your reaction you will have a better time responding appropriately to your child's needs.

The birth of Jilayne's third child, her son, was very difficult emotionally for her. Much of the first three months she does not remember, as she was struggling. At about three months postpartum her husband recognized her depression and acknowledgement of this was huge for her. She found herself acting in ways that she didn't want to, yelling at her children more than necessary, but she couldn't find the strength or grace to handle the situation as well as she wanted to. She bonded well with her son, but felt that she had no right asking for help since she had wanted this child and brought this upon herself. Her advice is to please remember that your are the best mom for your child, and there is no shame in asking for help (no matter how many children you have!).

Danielle was expecting her newborn to be the struggle, but instead found that her preschool daughter was the one exhausting her emotionally and physically. Asking for help with older children can be very important in allowing you to care and bond with your newborn.

Julie says to give yourself a head start with breastfeeding, take a local class and educate yourself as much as possible. Read, talk to other mothers and be aware of any potential problems or hardships. Mastitis, thrush, an incorrect latch, supply issues and more can all make breastfeeding more difficult. Learning proper breastfeeding positions, especially for newborns, is important for breastfeeding success as well. Follow this link for a video that gives instruction on hand expression, a helpful technique for new breastfeeding mothers. Another resources is La Leche League (local link). Also keep in mind that breastfeeding can be difficult physically and emotionally even if everything goes well. The first few days after birth are difficult and it is normal to feel overwhelmed with breastfeeding and other parenting issues.

Julie recommends the following local resources for postpartum breastfeeding help: VBH has lactation support 7 days a week. You can request an LC to come see you. Centra's Lactation Warm Line: 434-401-9344 (outpatient) Centra's Baby Cafe: every Tuesday and Thursday from 10-12 noon in the Center for Family and Childbirth Education. (Outpatient). Central Virginia Lactation Consultants: (Lisa Settje) 434-239-2852 Best Start: (Jane Bradshaw) 434-384-6262 La Leche League:(Lisa:434-316-6040; Catherine:434-229-0852) Kellymom.com

On the other hand, formula feeding can also be difficult for mothers emotionally. Sometimes a mother wishes to breastfeed, but is unable to for whatever reason. Remember that doing what is best for your baby is what is important, and try not to let yourself listen to those who don't support your decisions. Find a support system that is positive and will help you move forward with the best choices for your newborn.

Being aware of resources for grief, breastfeeding and other postpartum issues ahead of time can help you choose those resources if you need them later. Educate yourself to the issues and the possible outcomes of your birth, be honest with yourself, and get help however you need it. Nycole suggests the book Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child.

How I lowered my expectations for "Fun" Mommy-hood

When my twins were babies, I couldn’t wait for them to be old enough to do mommy-kid activities. I wanted to finger paint, cook, play Memory and Candyland, snuggle and read for hours, and make happy, rosy memories with my boys.

When they were around 2 years old, inspired by the success of my mommy friends and the parenting blogs I adored, I excitedly laid out paper and paints, prepared elaborate craft projects, bought games, and borrowed books from the library. We were going to have FUN and be happy and laugh and I would take pictures and make photo albums of my happy kids and my happy motherhood.

Here’s what really happened:

The paints were a mess. The paper got soaked and ripped. The colors were mixed into a color that resembled a really bad poopy diaper. The art project took longer to clean up than the boys spent "painting."

My boys played “Ants in my pants” instead of moving their gingerbread men through Candyland. The colored cards flew all over the living room, joining the tiny demon-cherries from “Hi-Ho! Cherrio!” The homemade Memory cards were ripped and crumpled.

Cooking was a circus. Cups of flour were dumped on the counter instead of in the bowl. Eggs slipped and smashed on the floor. And one of my sons was so afraid of the hand-mixer that he ran screaming out of the room before it was even turned on.

There was no snuggling and reading for hours. My two year olds could barely sit still for one picture book. “Green Eggs and Ham”? WAY too long! I learned to flip through books at the library and throw back the ones that had more than 15 pages or 10 words per page.

This was supposed to be a "Two hours of FUN" box! not "10 minutes and I'm done" box

I was discouraged, depressed even. I was failing at Mommy-hood. Most days I thought: “Well, that was a fun 5 minutes. What am I going to do for the rest of the day? I guess I could start by cleaning up this mess.”

 

We made snakes with beads for 3 minutes one day. Then I cleaned up beads for the next 3 months

I wanted to make those special memories with my kids but every activity was either a failure or over before I could even snap a picture.

Plus I was going nuts and yelling things like “THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN! We are GOING to have FUN, OK???”

I was a real Fun Mom.

I eventually gave up. I lowered my expectations for Fun Mommy-hood.

We didn’t do messy craft projects anymore. I threw “Hi-Ho Cherrio” and the memory cards in the trash. I made cookies while my boys napped. We read “The Foot Book” instead of “Green Eggs and Ham.”

And this was the best thing I could have ever done.

I discovered that the things I liked to do were not the things that my kids liked to do. The happy memories I had of coloring, playing board games, cooking sweets and treats, and reading on the couch with my mom for hours were not the same things that made my boys happy.

I had to accept that they loved running and wrestling, not sitting still playing board games.

I swallowed the fact that they weren’t interested in coloring or “making things.” And I realized that any craft that took longer to prepare or clean up than it did to make and play with was way overrated.

I still made them sit and read with me but we would read one board book instead of three picture books.

And when I did tackle that Pintrest Project from my “Fun Activities for Kids!” board, I learned to say “Well, that was fun!” after 3.5 minutes and really mean it.

So glad I have this picture because I think this is the only time they wore these adorable pirate costumes 

 Most importantly, I discovered that my kids are different from me and that is ok. And I learned that the best memories I could make with my children was not “doing things” together: it was seeing my boys happy, grins that lasted for seconds, not the “activities” that lasted for hours.

it's their day too

The Motherhood Collective is thankful to Katie Blackburn and the ladies over at Coffee + Crumbs for allowing us to share Katie's post today.  Please check out their blog!

August 19, 2014 by Katie Blackburn

I’m certain this story is familiar to you: one baby wakes up much earlier than she should, while the other one sleeps longer. Forget being at the park on time because older sister just squeezed her whole fruit pouch on the carpet, plus the gas tank was empty when you got in the car. Grocery shopping on the way home gets abandoned because the baby is screaming. Nap time is thrown off completely when you cannot sync their schedules and just as you get one lunch cleaned up, the other one wants to nurse. All of a sudden it is 3:30pm and you have not answered a single email; one load of laundry sits ready to be folded in the dryer, the other load freshly washed and wet but probably needs a re-wash because it was left there overnight. Dinner is spaghetti, the absolute best you can do tonight because you never actually made it to the grocery store. Hand the toddler another applesauce and pretend it’s a vegetable. Not one room got tidied up today. There were three episodes of Dora, though, and there would have been a fourth if Dad had not gotten home in time to come in as relief. It’s just been a day.

The crazy, unpredictable, and frustrating days usually come when we have the most to do, amiright? Have a deadline to meet? Your kids will cry at the exact same time for the 30 minutes you thought you could sneak in a little project. Is there a meeting or class or important gathering to prep for? They will not sleep at the same time even though they always sleep from 1:00-2:00 together. The baby will want to be held more some days, and big sister will be extraordinarily clingy on others. And then you’ll get crabby, because the day just went nothing like you planned.

But it’s their day, too. And when you think about it, they had a pretty good one.

Big sister learned how to clean up the messes we make. She had no idea we were in a hurry to meet our friends on time, she was simply eating the pouch I gave her, exactly where I handed it to her, on the carpet. But when she saw me with the stain remover and a towel, she brought over a baby wipe to help. She watched, and she learned something.

The baby was cared for. He was hot and sweaty and tired after being outside and he just couldn’t muster one more minute in his car seat. So we listened to him, and we went home. And as soon as I took him out and put him on my shoulder, he felt better. When he needed more holding and more snuggles the rest of the day, he got them. There are many things as a mother I do not do well, but I snuggle pretty nicely. Our little ones need lots of touch; it is the only way we communicate that they are safe and loved, that they can understand. I gave that affirmation in bulk today, and he felt it.

And together these little children watched their mom handle stress, but very imperfectly, so they also watched me apologize when I took it out on their dad. They saw me come up with a meal for our family and I know big sister did not care one bit that it was spaghetti. The only person who judged me for that was me. I never got to my email but I did read a book, blow bubbles, and catch a flying toddler at the bottom of the slide. I had to enforce a few timeouts in between all of this for throwing and hitting and not being a good listener, but I got a few “I’m sorries” as well, and that is a word we all need readily available in our vocabulary.

I did not check off many to-do boxes today, but my little ones did: learn, play, eat, sleep, read, and repeat. And I helped them do those things. If I measure each day by my list, they are not always very good, but when I look at each day like it is their day too, because it IS their day, too, well, then most days are better. A lot better.

And that’s where I want to land at 8:00pm every day, assessing it by what we learned and how often we laughed and the new words we heard. I think when you are the mother of a few young ones, productivity needs a different connotation, one that includes diaper changes and dishes and hugs. And at the end of the day, I believe it is ok to say this: I was not a good writer/small business owner/teacher/(insert role here) today. But damn, I kept two kids under the age of two alive and fed, and we played and talked about trees and chased after bubbles in the breeze, and both of them are sleeping safely in their beds tonight and that made it a pretty good day.  

Recipe of the week: cheesy orzo with pancetta and peas

I don't know where he got his inspiration, but hubby had a stroke of genius last week when he suggested a yummy updated to one of our usual side dishes - cheesy orzo.  I present to you cheesy orzo with pancetta and peas (and yes, it could use a catchier title, but oh man, it's tasty!). The dish is quick and easy and only needs orzo, cream, cheddar, pancetta, and peas (chicken stock is optional).  I don't use measurements for these kinds of dishes, so it's a taste-and-adjust-as-you-go kind of meal.

Start by cooking however much orzo you want - this can be done in just plain water, or half water/half chicken stock.

While the orzo is humming along, you will want to cook your diced (not finely diced, but not too big either - I know, not scientific, but just roll with it) pancetta (thick cut bacon would probably also work, though I haven't tried that yet).  Cook the pancetta a little longer than you would usually cook bacon - the crunchy pieces will be a nice texture addition to the dish (be careful, though - I set off our smoke detectors this first time I made this).  You will also want to grate your cheddar cheese and cook your peas (canned peas can also be used, but I tend to prefer the consistency of frozen peas).

Once the orzo is cooked (slightly al dente, but very close to fully cooked), drain it, return it to the pot, and add some heavy cream.  Then start adding the cheddar, stirring it in as you add it.  Once you are happy with the cheesiness of the orzo, just add the cooked peas and pancetta.

This is a super simple side dish that is a wonderful addition to baked chicken, meatloaf, or fish, and can be adapted in so many ways to fit your preferences. Let me know what you think, if you give it a try!  I'd love to hear what some others choose to add to the base of cheese & orzo.

The Parenting Olympics: Do YOU Have What it Takes?

The Motherhood Collective is very thankful to Lauren at www.ohhonestly.net for allowing us to share her post today!  

Every two years, nations all over the world come together to cheer on and celebrate the accomplishments of their elite athletes. It’s a wonderful and exciting time and those athletes deserve every ounce of recognition they receive.

But what about the millions of people living quiet, unseen lives who not only deserve gold medals, but also billions of dollars in sponsorship opportunities and a good night’s rest? Who are these people? Parents.

I propose a new world-wide event, The Parenting Olympics, in which parents of all ages and stages have a chance to show their stuff in front of an adoring audience and finally get the recognition they deserve. A sampling of events follows. What would you add?

Parenting Olympics

Baby Wrangling Triathlon

As the name implies, this is a three-part event. First, parents must safely remove a squirming, screaming, slippery child from the tub. Contestants will be judged on how much time it takes to complete the task, the amount of water that spills on the floor, and how well they wrap the wriggling child in a towel.

This kid knows what’s coming. Photo credit: David Castillo Dominici via freedigitalphotos.net

Second, parents must change the poopy diaper of a newly crawling baby. Contestants will be judged on how many times the baby rolls over during the diaper change, the amount of poop that ends up in a place it shouldn’t, and how secure the diaper is upon completion of the task. Finally, parents must dress an active toddler who much prefers nudity. Contestants will be judged on how much time it takes to complete the task, the number of times the child escapes their grasp, and whether all the clothes are put on properly (i.e. nothing is backwards, buttons are in the correct holes, etc). Immediate disqualification for any injuries to children during the event.

Running Late Dash

Parents must prepare themselves and three children to leave the house in record time. Everyone starts this race unfed and in pajamas. Parents are given half an hour to complete as many tasks as possible in order:

• Showering and dressing themselves
• Feeding everyone
• Cleaning up
• Dressing the kids
• Packing all necessities for the day
• Making sure everyone has used the bathroom
• Getting everyone out the door and safely buckled in the car

Contestants will be judged on how many tasks are properly and fully completed in the allotted time. Points will be deducted for bad attitudes and yelling at the children. Immediate disqualification for swearing or any reference to what life was like before kids.

Pre-Teen Obstacle Course

Parents must navigate the murky waters of pre-teen emotions by offering the proper support at the proper time. Contestants will be judged on how well they ‘read’ the child’s current emotional state, how effective the offered support is, and how long it takes for the tween to fall into his or her next mood. Immediate disqualification for making the pre-teen cry.

Uh-oh, Mom! Don’t make that kid cry! Photo credit: David Castillo Dominici via freedigitalphotos.net

Lack-of-Sleep-athon

Parents are kept awake for 48 hours straight, cleaning vomit and various other bodily fluids. They are then sent to work and must function as normal human beings. Contestants will be judged on how closely they follow traffic laws while driving to work, how efficiently they complete work-related tasks, and the number of times they doze off between the hours of 9 am and 5 pm. Immediate disqualification for getting into a car accident.

Hey Dad, you’re not looking so good. Photo credit: David Castillo Dominici via freedigitalphotos.net

Teen Embarrassment Sprint

Parents must behave in a way that will embarrass their teenager. Contestants will be judged on how quickly their teenager shrivels up in mortification and how serious a threat the teenager levies at the parent to stop the embarrassing behavior (i.e. ‘Please stop!’ will receive fewer points than ‘If you don’t stop now, I’ll never speak to you again!’). Immediate disqualification if the teen joins in the supposedly embarrassing behavior.

Have an event to add? Know any influential people we can petition to get the Parenting Olympics up and running? Let’s get this going! The world has lived in oblivion to the stupendous accomplishments of parents for far too long. It’s time we give credit where credit is due!

Café Recap: Adoption

Panelists: Jackie Gordon (Adoptive Mama), Patricia Coleman (Adoptive Mama), Kirstin Magnuson (Licensed Therapist) and our moderator, Erica Wolfe. Let's start with some stories about the adoption process. Jackie always wanted a large family, but did not know that adoption would be part of her story. After an injury during her second child's birth, she was no longer able to have biological children. This led she and her husband to the decision to adopt, specifically an international adoption from China. The process for their first adoption took about three years, plus another year of post-placement check-ups and paperwork. Their second adoption was through Living Hope and The Waiting Child Program, which includes children that China considers "special needs".  Despite financial concerns, they decided to go through with a second adoption within two years of their first. Their first child was a year old when she was adopted, and their second child was four by the time they were able to bring him home. The adoption of Jackie's third child was several years later, at a time when they were not actively pursuing adoption. A friend reached out to her about an unborn child in need of adoption, so they agreed to meet the local couple. Jackie had huge reservations about an open adoption, but upon meeting the couple they decided to go through with the adoption.

Patricia has two adopted children, age 2 1/2 and six months. After trying for several years to get pregnant, Patricia and her husband began the adoption process. They wanted to adopt a baby and began researching. Their research led them to the local group Family Life Services. It took them two months to complete the paperwork, and then they began the wait. After seven months they were pursued by a couple and met them for an interview. They were soon thrilled to learn that they had been chosen by the couple to adopt their daughter. In the state of Virginia birth parents have ten days after the birth of their child to change their minds about adoption. Their daughter was put in foster care for the first days of her life, until paperwork and decisions were final. Although at first hesitant about an open adoption, Patricia is now very close to her child's biological parents and meets with them regularly. With her second adoption, they used the same agency.  After a two month wait, they were chosen to adopt a baby in the NICU in a closed adoption. In a rapid succession of events, they quickly named their daughter and were soon taking her home.

An audience member asked about how adoptive children feel in their family. Jackie's children have always known they were adopted, but not expressed any feelings of inadequacy within the family. Erica asked about how to bring new children into the family. Kirsten feels that as much information and background about the child you know, the better. Being structured and having a reliable routine can help the process go smoothly.

For those in the waiting process, Patricia recommends filling your lives and not focusing on the waiting. Another adoptive mother in the audience has found that the waiting process is the biggest test of yourself. Know that this is a growing period and that the wait will end and the reward will be more than worth it.

Things that you should not say or do to adoptive families: - "Why do you want more children?" - "Are they real siblings?" - A sense of entitlement about your child's history - Showing an interest without knowing how to express it appropriately - Pretty much any use of the term "real" - "You're taking the easy way out by adopting" - "You're going to adopt and then get pregnant" - "I want to adopt one day but I want to have my own first"

How you should ask about adoption: show a genuine interest and desire to have an actual conversation about adoption.

One of the hardest parts of adoption: paperwork. You will also field very personal questions from your case worker. Knowing that your adoption could fall through is very hard emotionally. The waiting period during the ten days after birth is excruciating.

Some final words of encouragement from our panelists: never let finances stop you. Adoption is a very expensive process but there is fundraising, grants, loans and other help available. Twenty thousand dollars is a modest estimate for adoption costs in our area.

Patricia's blog about adoption can be found here: addingpiecesofthepuzzle.blogspot.com