Café Recap: How to Write a Birth Plan

Panelists: Katie Page (Certified Nurse Midwife and Mama), Brenda Osterhus (Childbirth and Family Education Manager at Centra and Mama), Danielle Hunter (Mama and Birth Plan User), and our moderator Erica Wolfe.

We often field questions about birth plans in our small groups and online community.  Last year was the first time we had an entire Café devoted to the topic and when we surveyed our mamas, it was listed as one of their favorite Cafés.  So today we’re excited to again devote an entire panel to writing a birth plan! Our panelists include a care provider, a hospital representative and a mama who very recently wrote (and used!) a birth plan.  Here are their thoughts on what topics should be addressed, how to word things and how birth plans are received by your care providers.

First of all, what is a Birth Plan? Katie tells us that the history of birth plans is ambiguous, but they likely first appeared when alternatives to standard hospital procedures became more prevalent. The idea that each pregnancy and birth is not the same and therefore should not all be handled in the same way was a catalyst in the rise in popularity of birth plans. The process of creating a birth plan forces a family to consider various labor events and how they would like to handle them. A birth plan is the start of a conversation, deciding with your partner and your medical support team what the best choices are for you during labor.

Brenda tells us that the goal of a birth plan is to let your care providers know what your choices and decisions are. This is especially helpful when nurses and doctors rotate during your delivery. It is also an opportunity to make sure, well before labor, that you and your care provider are on the same page. It is a way to educate yourself about the choices and decisions you can make about your birth. Nurses and doctors are people too, and will each have their own ideas about how birth should go. It is important that your opinion is known to them, so that you will get the treatment you desire.

Danielle was lucky enough to have her care provider deliver both of her children, but this is not usually the case. A birth plan gives you the opportunity to do your research and decide what your priorities are. She says that not having expectations for how her birth will go keeps her flexible. She keeps an open mind so that she will be able to handle any unforeseen circumstances and take them in stride. A conversation with her midwife about her birth plan allowed her to remove some items that were unnecessary (like procedures that are not standard in our hospital). Sample birth plans and templates are available online (some here, here and here on our website).

Audience members shared both positive and negative experiences approaching their care providers about birth plans. One mama was nervous to approach her OB about a VBAC, but was met with his approval and willingness to work toward that goal with her. Another mama tried to broach the subject with her provider, but it was dismissed as something she didn't need to do. Her lack of education at the time robbed her of the confidence to push the subject although it was important to her.

Top Ten DOs for Writing Your Birth Plan: Tips from an L&D Nurse (from the blog Nursing Birth) #1 DO keep your Birth Plan short, simple, and easy to understand (1-2 pages max). Bullet points are fine! #2 DO keep the language of your Birth Plan assertive and clear. #3 DO use your Birth Plan as an impetus for doing your own personal research about your preferences for childbirth. #4 DO include your fears, concerns, and helpful things for the nurse to know. #5 DO review your Birth Plan with your birth attendant and ask him/her to sign off that he/she read and understands it. (Signing may be unnecessary and could even imply a lack of trust in  your care provider in some situations.) #6 DO make your Birth Plan personal (don’t just copy/paste) and DO make sure that you understand and can elaborate on everything in the Birth Plan if asked. #7 DO look at examples of great Birth Plans online to get some ideas. #8 DO run through scenarios in your mind about how labor could unfold and actually talk these scenarios out with your labor companions and doula (or perhaps even your childbirth educator or birth attendant too!) #9 DO try to treat researching and Birth Plan writing as a fun and exciting experience, not a chore! #10 DO remember to bring your Birth Plan to the hospital!!

Another positive result of a birth plan is having your choices in writing. If you decide during labor to veer away from your birth plan, your care providers and labor support can remind you of your initial intentions and help you either stay on track or choose a new path for your labor. It is also worth noting that birth plans are not just for natural births. Whatever your intentions, it is important for your labor team to know them.

After care is an aspect of labor that is often overlooked. These choices can also be included in your birth plan and will make your decisions much easier during your recovery time. Have your pediatrician lined up and ensure that they are on board with your choices for newborn procedures. Keeping your partner on board and informed about all of your choices will also help ensure that things go as planned.

Kidz Kraze Consignment Sale - Coming Soon!

 

“I’m a first time mom… I need everything…  He has no winter clothes… We need shoes… I love girl clothes, and I just can’t stop buying… It’s all so expensive!”

We’ve been there! The semi-annual Kidz Kraze Consignment Sale has been the solution for many! Whether you are in need of everything, clothes for your ever-growing toddler, or Christmas presents for your nieces and nephews, Kidz Kraze is for you!

Offering superbly organized and gently used consignment merchandise from hundreds of local families just like you, this is truly a “one-stop-shop”.

The Fall Sale runs from August 16 – 23 at the Fort Hill Shopping Center, 6015 Fort Avenue. Visit the Kidz Kraze site here for more details on when you can shop and how to volunteer, allowing yourself to be eligible for pre-sales galore!

We especially have a heart for the moms behind the sale who have continually showed their support for local small businesses, charities, and those in our community in need. To learn more about the charitable work happening through your support of Kidz Kraze, please check out the about section of their website.

Mark your calendars today and don't miss this incredible savings opportunity!

"Just wait…!": A bad parenting habit I need to break

It started when I was pregnant with my twins.  Experienced parents would cluck their tongues, shake their heads and state:"Just wait….!"

"Just wait…you think pregnancy is hard? Wait until you have newborns!" "Just wait….you better sleep now because you won't have a good night's sleep for the next 5 years!"

Then after the baby is born, I started hearing these predictions:

"Just wait till he starts teething! Now that's sleep deprivation!" "Oh, I wish mine was a newborn again. Just wait till they can walk! You'll never sit down again!" "Be thankful they can't talk yet. Just wait till they are toddlers. All I hear is "no! no! no!' Can you say temper tantrum?!"

Twin two year old glory

 

Then came toddlerhood:

"You think he has an attitude now? Just wait till he's a teenager!" "You think you worry about safety now? Just wait till he's driving!"

I just sigh. Because with each "Just wait!"all I really hear is this: "You think your life is hard now? Just wait! In a few years, you're going to be even more miserable! Parenting is really going to suck then! Haha!"

But, if I am really honest, I know I've said this phrase myself.

The real question is Why? Why do we caution new parents to "hold on! Just wait….!"

When I examine my heart and attitude toward parenting, I know I've said "Just wait!" for a few complicated, and rather embarrasing reasons:

1. I want to warn less experienced parents of what is coming up. Hey, the "Terrible Threes" ARE harder than the "Terrible Twos."

2. I want to be patted on the back: Yes, dear. Parenting is hard. Here's a gold star. 

3. I want to feel superior: You, poor new parent, haven't even experienced the agony that is to come. Heh, heh, heh. Just wait… 

#1 is the only reason that is only slightly unselfish (though really, any parent will discover that three is harder than two on her own). The other two reasons just make me cringe that I've ever said "Just wait" to a newer parent.

To me, and any exhausted parent who is just looking for sympathy and support for a hard day….or hard stage….of parenting, the last thing we want to hear is this: "Just wait. The worst is yet to come."

I've only been a parent for 7 years but I've come to realize two small truths: 1. Every parenting stage has its challenges. In some ways, it gets better. In some ways, it gets harder. Mostly it just gets different. 2. Messages of encouragement do far more good than predictions of doom.

I'm trying to break the "just wait" habit in myself. I want to look forward to the future with my children (yes! even the teenage years!) and not live in dread of every new stage.

But even more than adjusting my own attitude, I want to start offering more encouragement and support to my fellow parents. Maybe we could all try out some new "Just waits…"

"Just wait till you hold that new baby in your arms and kiss that sweet head. It is so worth it." "Just wait till she smiles for the first time. Your heart will melt." "Just wait till he says, 'I love you, mama!'" "Just wait till she waves at you at her school program, nudges the kid next to her and says, "look! That's my mom!" And even... "Just wait till he gets his license and can go to Kroger and pick up milk."

Yes, all of those things are worth waiting for…and looking forward to.

dear mama, a letter for you...

Dear New/Expecting Mamas,

I wanted to write you and do what most people will not do for you as you are expecting your first/next bundle of joy. I'm going to be honest and transparent. Here are a few thoughts and tips as you begin this new journey...

1. Motherhood is hard. No joke. Some days, it's downright horrible. There will be times when showing your children unconditional love won't exactly be what's crossing your mind.

2. You will be complimented on your glow as your belly grows, but won't be informed that that glow may turn into night sweats and leave your bed damp and you wondering if you're five again.

3.Because you're growing a mini human inside your body, that body is going to change...and most likely stay that way. And.it's.okay. Don't deny it. Don't refuse to believe it. Embrace it, cause it sure is going to embrace you. I'm not saying to never strive to exercise and take care of your postpartum body...only to recognize reality and understand that your body will fight you every step of the way. Fight back.

4. You will be encouraged to "eat for two" and satisfy that craving...thinking twice about this will greatly reduce your struggle with  #3.

5.Know that you may not feel that instant love as that little one is placed on your chest for the first time. It's not always a magical moment, and that's okay. There will be time for that. Do not begin your journey of motherhood by believing the lies that it has to be a certain way or you're a bad mom. Mama Dear, you are amazing. Give yourself grace...those fuzzy feelings will come.

6. If you have been blessed with a good baby the first time around, wonderful! People will encourage you by warning you to "watch out" for the next one, because apparently they can foretell the future. Just smile and reply with "Thank you for your imput." then walk away quickly before you say what you really think.

7. You will want to mentally store away the reply in #6, cause you're gonna need it. A lot.

8. Those tiny little fingers and tiny little toes? Oh, yes, they are most definitely precious and sweet...just remember that when they put their fingerprints all over that clean window, or use that finger to pick their nose and wipe it on the couch, or when those feet kick you in the face in a tantrum. Sweet, darling children...

9. Changing diapers will get old. With your first child, that may happen when they begin baby food...with your second, by 3 months...with your fourth, after the first diaper.

10. Sex will be different. Be patient and remember that your spouse is your first love.

11. Be aware of the reality of postpartum depression and other perinatal mood disorders. They are real and you very well could end up struggling with it. A support system is needed beyond meals for two weeks after delivery. Don't wait until your breaking point to ask for help.

12. After you've had a child, you will be asked for the next 10-15 years, "So when's the next one?" "Are you guys done?" "It's about time for another one, isn't it?" Also, your belly will become the not-so-discrete focal point during conversations and passing "Hi, how are you's?" This only increases when you have all your children with you, specifically if you have more than two.

13. "Oh, you're going to be such a great mom!"  Yes, you will be. Yes, you are. Do not allow these well-meaning statements to burn an unrealistic expectation in your heart that you must prove your worthiness of the "Mom" title to everyone else. You are the best for your child, because your child was given to you. Yes, you will make mistakes. Learn and move on, and leave others' expectations there, too.

Mama Dear, children are wonderful, but I'm not going to lie and say that it's all fun and games. It's not. But it.is.worth it.

And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I'm Sorry for Staring

The Motherhood Collective is very thankful to Harper at  http://foldingafittedsheet.com/ for allowing us to share her post today!  

 

I’m sorry for staring at you in the grocery store this afternoon.

I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable while you were scanning your cereal and diapers and orange juice at the self-checkout.

You were just so beautiful, with your impossibly long legs and flat stomach, and clothes without stains. I just wanted to be you: effortless, beautiful, perfect.

I’m sorry for staring at you at soccer practice this morning.

I wasn’t judging you for being late or barking at your kids as they tumbled out of the minivan still getting dressed. I noticed your husband, and your wedding ring, were missing. I just wanted to help you, but I didn’t  know how without offending you, while my perfect husband stood near by. I was just in awe of your strength and how you picked up the slack when your supposed partner in the world’s hardest and most worthy endeavor didn’t show up at soccer, or in your marriage, or in your kids’ lives.

I’m sorry for staring at you at the urgent care last week.

I wasn’t worried that your kid’s runny nose or barking cough was contagious. Okay, I was a little. But mostly I could tell you’d been up all night, waiting, worrying, pacing, comforting, beating yourself up for not leaving work early to take her to the pediatrician during office hours yesterday. I just wanted to tell you “it’s okay, you’re doing your best, and that’s good enough for her.”

I’m sorry for staring at you in Babies ‘R’ Us yesterday.

I didn’t mean to be one of those people a heartbeat away from inappropriately touching a stranger’s pregnant belly, sharing my 20 hours plus a c-section birth story, or spewing unsolicited advice about diapers, homemade baby food, and God knows what else.

You were just me 6 years ago. I could see the joy, the discomfort, and even a little bit of trepidation on your face all at once. And I remembered when it was me wandering those hallowed miles of aisles of baby gear, armed with Consumer Reports printouts in one hand, and the parenting guide du jour in the other. I wanted to tell you that peepee teepees just fall off and you still get sprayed in the face by baby pee, but that you absolutely need the little newborn mittens so your infant doesn’t look like he got in a fight with the cat. I wanted to say save your money on the wipe warmer, but spring for the organic crib mattress. But most of all I wanted to tell you ‘you got this. Trust your instincts, love your child, and enjoy this time. Before you know it, you’ll be a seasoned vet staring at a younger, pregnant version of you, remembering how exciting and scary and wonderful it all was.’

I’m sorry for staring at you at the park on Tuesday.

I didn’t mean to look like one of those baby-snatching people from a Lifetime movie of the week. Don’t worry, I have 3 of my own and couldn’t possibly handle yours too. I just missed the days of being able to lavish all of my attention on one person (thankfully my husband understood). I remember how tough it all seemed then, how I didn’t know what I was doing, but I took on this new role more seriously than a White House security detail. I just wanted to say ‘relax, you’re doing great.’ I even wanted to say ‘enjoy this time. It goes by all too fast’ but I know how annoyed I get when well-meaning moms say that to me, no matter how right I know they are.

I’m sorry I stared at you in the OB/gyn last month.

I didn’t mean to hurt you when I involuntarily clutched my hugely pregnant belly when I saw the tears spill down your face and onto the crumpled ultrasound photo in your lap.

I just wanted to put my arms around you and let your tears soak my shirt. I wanted to tell you ‘I know this hurts. I’ve been there. And I know you want to know why.’ And also ‘this too shall pass.’

I’m sorry for staring at you in the coffee shop this afternoon.

I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable or old while you were having coffee with your grown daughter. I didn’t mean to distract you from what looked like a long overdue catching up.

I was just admiring the wisdom and confidence in each delicate line of your face, how comfortable you were in your own skin and your cotton cardigan. How you smiled at me even when my 20-yard stare turned disruptive. I just wondered what your life was like and what stories you must have to tell. I hoped your daughter, despite thinking she was grown and knew it all, knew what a gift she had sitting across from her, what painful lessons she might be spared if she listened closely enough to your words. I hoped she appreciated the simplicity and truth and love in your wisdom. And I hoped she’ll realize in time to thank you for it before it’s too late.

I’m sorry for staring at you in the living room this morning.

I didn’t mean to make you think I’d caught you cutting the cat’s fur, or discovering the Halloween candy stash. Okay, the Easter candy stash.

I was just thinking I can’t believe how sweet you are to your brother, or that anyone could have eyes as beautiful as yours. Or that you were once small enough to fit inside my belly. I was just admiring how you have your father’s generous heart, and my stubborn tenacity, at the same time. I was just thinking how proud I am of you, and how excited and terrified I am to watch your life every day. I was just daydreaming about the incredible human being you are, and are yet to become, and all the hopes and dreams I have for you. I was just thinking how lucky I am to know you, let alone claim to be your mother.

I’m sorry for staring, but I just need to take in the gift of your presence, and the message God is sending me by placing you in my life in this moment.

Not Yet Ready for Motherhood

A major surprising thing that’s recently happened to me was when I discovered I was pregnant. I didn’t expect to get pregnant at my age. I’m nearly approaching my 40’s, and I believe conceiving a baby at my age sometimes poses some explicit risks. Also, another thing that troubles me is my tight budget. I’ll need to find ways not only to support my needs, but also those of my unborn child, on top of supporting my adopted young daughter on a day to day basis.

I will need to bravely deal with my unexpected pregnancy, though. My husband and I have searched for the best tips on how to deal with unexpected motherhood. We’ve come up with a list of tips that we think may prove to be useful in helping us out.

 

Image from Flickr

Resolve Potential Sibling Rivalry

I’m well aware that a new parenting task I’ll be facing is resolving sibling rivalry between my new baby and my 6-year old daughter. I think as early as now, I should start contemplating the resolution I would implement in order to resolve the issue of possible sibling rivalry between my kids once they start growing up together.

It should be expected my little kids may likely get into arguments and quarrels, particularly when playing. I won’t be surprised if each of my kid refuses to share the toy I’ve bought for them for Christmas. It may be beyond my power to prevent this scenario from happening when my budget is tight, and I only have so much money to buy one toy for Christmas.

To make both of my kids happy, I would buy little treats for each of them that fit my budget, such as candies and chocolates. These treats should make my kids happy, and it should avert any fights that may occur between them.

Relive Tantrum Days

And, to think I would have had enough of tantrums from kids! I thought I’ve already gotten past the stage of having to deal with a little child crying whenever he doesn’t get what he wants. And here I go, expecting the same scenario all over again.

In the past, whenever I took my daughter to a playground nearby our local park, she would always throw a fit if her playmates didn’t do what she wanted them to do, subsequently embarrassing me in front of a crowd.

After I give birth to my unborn child, I plan to strictly discipline my child to let him know he can’t always throw tantrums and get away with them scot-free. I would take away privileges from my child if he throws a tantrum a lot of times within the past month. By doing this, I can teach my child a lesson that rewards such as movie time, or a new toy only comes alongside good behaviors.

I’d likely consider engaging in interactive play with my younger kid in the playground to guide him how to act appropriately during moments that he can’t get everything he desires. The benefits of playground interaction of parents and kids are overwhelmingly immeasurable. Engaging in interactive play with my younger child maximizes opportunities for my kid to gain more friends, rather than enemies, in the playground.

The Age Gap Burden

Obviously, two kids with big age difference will likely have trouble relating to each other during play. One kid may have different ideas on how to play as compared to those of the other kid. Idea differences may cause arguments to break out between my two kids.

One of the most essential parts of motherhood is being there for your children, especially during their younger years. I, for one, wouldn't hesitate to come to my kids’ rescue when it comes to providing them with invaluable lessons on how to cope with sibling age difference.

Imparting lessons to my kids on how to cope with sibling age difference through creative storytelling would likely inspire my kids to extend their patience and understanding to each other. My kids are likely going to be inspired with the successful scenarios within the stories that I have to tell. After hearing these stories, I’d look forward to seeing them become the better big sister/ little brother or sister to each other.

Unprepared To Take Some Time Off From Work

Since my first child is a bit older and independent now, I was expecting to take some more time away from home working. I needed to earn additional income because I have been on a tight budget.

Now, I would have to make the transition in adjusting my busy schedule to spend more time bonding with my new baby after he is born. Spending more time playing and bonding with younger kids positively contribute not only to their emotional and social development, but also to their day to day safety, as well.

According to an article in Playgroundequipment.com, one out of every four kids becomes a prey to a bully, or to a number of bullies. I’m particularly alarmed of the risk of my little kid getting bullied, at school, in the playground, or wherever he may go. With this said, I’d be more than willing to adjust my schedule to spend more time with my young child after he is born to prevent avoidable untoward incidents from happening before it’s too late, even though it may be difficult to do so.

As a soon-to-be parent again, I need to be my unborn kid’s mother, friend and protector all in one package. I need to be the mom that my kid can proudly look up to and admire.

A mother is a child’s safe haven against the troubles this chaotic world constantly brings into his life. Having said this, us mothers, should in turn, hail our children to be the best blessings God can ever give us in this lifetime.

Café Recap: Handling Transitions, Becoming a Big Kid

Panelists:  Dr. Stacey Hinderliter (Pediatrician, Mama), Catherine De La Hunt (LLL Leader, Mama), Josie Olsen (Counselor & Play Therapist, Mama), Lauren Coleman (Mama), and our moderator Erica Wolfe.

Potty Training

While we could devote an entire cafe to this topic, we're going to try to sum it up quickly. Dr. Hinderliter advises that to be ready for potty training your child should be: sometimes dry when you go to change them, communicative with you (either verbally or with signs), able to stand on their own and get their clothes off quickly. Children are not usually ready before 18 months, and it is helpful if the child is around other potty trained kids.

Elimination Communication (EC) is a different form of "potty training". It involves having the child on the potty sometimes and gradually moving away from diapers. Some people start this as early as a few days after birth, and others wait until closer to a year. The process starts by observing and noticing patterns in your children. Once you are aware of the signs, you can get your children on the potty and start teaching them what it is for. It can lessen the trauma involved with "traditional" potty training, because the potty is not a new or foreign concept. Catherine feels that EC is a gentler form of teaching babies or toddlers to use the potty. There are several books on the subject, as well as a very helpful EC Yahoo! Group.

Lauren has tried four different methods with her children. She learned the hard way that being too hard or expecting too much from a child will backfire. She feels that cloth diapers help kids feel wet more than disposable diapers, which aids potty training. Leaving her children naked also allows easier access for kids to the potty.

Josie started by having the potty available to explore and get familiar with. She tried to make it fun and enjoyable, and didn't rush the process. Her daughter was trained by two. One audience member used the three-day method of intensive potty training. She did away with diapers and used underwear or let her child go naked and was successful. Others have been potty training for a year and still use diapers at night. There are so many techniques and the best method depends on your child. Educate yourself about the different approaches and decide what is best for your kids.

Josie says that modeling and demystifying the process can help alleviate pressure and help avoid fear of the potty. You can try putting away the potty for a while if you are not having success, and try again later with a new positive attitude. Stress on parents can transfer to children, so remember to relax because your child WILL eventually be potty trained! Lauren points out that pressure from grandparents should be taken with a grain of salt, since circumstances were different back then (cloth diapers that were not as advanced as today's diapers, etc.).

Potty fears: Erica learned in her house that a child with a fear of pooping on the potty can be helped with play dough. She found that squeezing play dough and explaining how the poop is like play dough helped her child understand. Lauren mentions that a painful poop can scare a child, so be sure to up the fiber and water while potty training.

Sleep

Dr. Hinderliter says that sleep is an individual thing, and that it is related to a child's awake time. A happy, easy child who doesn't sleep much is doing just fine. An unhappy, moody child, on the other hand, may not be getting enough rest. Lack of sleep can impact a child's behavior and ability to learn. Some labels, like ADHD, could be avoided by more sleep. TV can be detrimental to a child's rest and lead to attention and behavior problems.

Some children gradually outgrow naps naturally, while others will need some coaching. Even if a child won't nap, some quiet rest time during the day can be beneficial.

Catherine found success with sleep by staying near to her children. She found that being available and giving them attention all day and then being present but unavailable at bed time worked for her kids. She let her children choose to lay on the floor nearby or to go get into bed. Her children slept in her bed until around 3 years of age. When they did transitioned to their own room she made a big deal of redecorating the room and making it a fun experience.

Lauren tried various sleep methods. Her first was in a crib, her second in a bassinet, and the second two bed-shared. She now shares a room with all of her children in an attempt to get closer to her older children. She moved their beds into her room for the summer. Josie co-slept and then moved her kids to a toddler bed at the foot of her bed. She gradually moved them to their own rooms, and now at 7 and 10 they have the option to sleep together. Erica's girls share a room and she highly recommends it. It is comforting for them to be together and they bond nicely. Her oldest daughter moved to a toddler bed at twenty months; she stayed in the same room, and was familiar with the bed by the time she made the transition. She was careful not to connect the transition with the arrival of the new baby (who would be using the crib, eventually). Catherine recommends a "14 year test"; ask yourself if this issue will matter 14 years from now to put your worries at ease.

Dr. Hinderliter reminds us to make bedtime a happy, peaceful time. It should not be punishment. She recommends reading (or another favorite quiet activity) before bed, and allowing your child to have a security object. With her own child she was flexible through two tent phases, keeping the lights on, and eventually removing photos from the walls in her room.

Behavior Issues

Temper tantrums are a well-known issue with toddlers. Lauren advises staying ahead of the tantrums; being aware of hunger, over-tiredness, over-stimulation, etc. can help to avoid tantrums. Avoidance and attention are two reasons that tantrums happen. Catherine calmly picks up a screaming child and removes them from the situation. Josie says not to label the child. Acknowledge their feelings, set a limit, and give them an alternative (Example conversation: I see that you are really angry about this. It is not okay to hit Mommy, though. If you'd like to sit quietly or hug this doll until you feel better, you can.) Catherine finds that getting down on the child's level and giving them the attention they need on a regular basis can help prevent tantrums. Dr. Hinderliter set limits and enforced them, even if they were inconvenient for her schedule (ex. leaving a store because of a tantrum). Talking through a tantrum can help with some kids, and staying calm yourself is important. At the end, a hug can do wonders for reassuring a child and moving on.

New Siblings

There are lots of things you can do to prepare a child for a younger sibling. Catherine's children were raised knowing that babies are important and a priority, in an exciting way. Letting little kids help and be involved with the baby will help older siblings feel important and included. She found that the hardest transition was when the babies were older and started to crawl and get into their siblings' things. Lauren prepared her children with dolls and pretend play, and threw a big birthday party for the new baby to make it fun for the older kids.

Eating

Toddlers are notoriously picky eaters. Dr. Hinderliter says not to worry too much about it. Make sure your children are hungry at meal times (limit snacks), and don't make a big deal if they don't eat. Drawing attention to it can make the situation worse. Give them the healthy food you want them to eat and let them choose what they eat (from that selection). Often they will eat well one meal, and not well at the next. Drinks can also fill kids up. Catherine did not make a big deal over food with her own kids, but her grandchildren struggle with mealtime. Her tactic is to remove any tantrum throwers from the room and continue the meal without them, until they are calm and ready to return. She also held a bedtime snack as collateral for eating their dinner.

Our panelists' favorite parts about raising kids in the 2-5 year age group: pretend play, making it through toddlerhood, their curiosity and questioning, letting them learn to do things themselves, and seeing their personalities develop.

What to Expect: The Real Edition (What no one told you about poop, 3am cheese snacks, and pretending to be Elmo while wiping your preschooler's butt)

The Motherhood Collective is very thankful to Guggie Daly (http://guggiedaly.blogspot.com/) for allowing us to share her post today!

 

Someone needs to write a book on the lesser milestones. You know, those moments, behaviors, and situations that probably happen during every child's lifetime, but somehow surprise the heck out of a lot of parents?

Everyone knows what to do when a child falls and scrapes his knee. Apply kisses, a gentle rinse to remove any dirt particles and then the preferred ointment, which probably isn't neosporin around here. Top it off with a bandaid if requested. It's advice you easily find in parenting books, on parenting websites, and in popular parenting magazines.

But, what do you do when your 3 year old imagines various injuries all over her body and asks for a bandaid for each one? And specific character bandaids that have magical healing properties? Is your child a hypochondriac? Traumatized? No. It's normal. So are a lot of other things not often discussed...

Yes. Your boobs deflate some time after birth, usually around 3 weeks. They weren't going to be painfully engorged forever, although they might change back and forth for varying reasons. Your milk supply isn't dropping and your baby isn't starving.

Yes. It's normal for your baby to struggle when trying to reach for a toy or accomplish a new milestone. Wait patiently before solving it for him. Let him figure it out on his own. Swoop in only if it's clearly not working out and he's despairing.

The war over baby gadgets? You know, the baby bumbo, the walking wings, the little bouncy jumper things? Guess what. Unless you're a horribly neglectful and completely unobservant parent, you're not going to stunt your child. But, I'll let you in on a secret. They are a massive waste of money. When babies are grunting to get to the next milestone, when they want you to sit them up and hold them steady for seemingly hours (oh, the withdrawal from texting), when they want you to hold their hands and walk with them...that milsetone is just around the corner. Save some cash, spend some time with your baby, and like millions of parents before you, one day you'll be walking upright again, wishing for a rewind button.

Is your 8 month old starting to cry when you leave the room? Refusing to sleep normally? Staying up all night or waking up every hour? Normal. The same goes for refusing to take naps alone and even crying when placed into the carseat. CIO sucks enough already, don't enforce it during a normally choppy time. It's a time of anxiety, so show her security and trust.

And also during that time period...yes. Feedings can get sparse. Your baby isn't weaning. Teething pain and brain development along with a maturing gut lead the way for new foods and forgotten boobs. Until about 13 months. So keep them ready.

Yes. Toddlers hit you. Claw at your nose. Bop your head with their heads. Kick you in the nuts, according to some dads. Even young ones. You haven't spawned Satan's offspring. Just acknowledge the frustration, try to stave off any stealth attacks, and get through the stage. Buy a cup if necessary.

Peas and carrots can't touch. It happens. So does the vegetarian stage believe it or not, after the intense hatred for vegetables.

Oh, your baby eats cod liver oil happily? Ground, unflavored liver? Get ready for that to end. It doesn't matter how hardcore paleo or WAPF you go. All people have preferences, most especially from about 18 months to 40 months.

Have a boy? He will grab his penis. No, your son isn't a pervert. Nothing is wrong. He doesn't need to be circumcised. He's not hurting himself. He will poke it. Pull it. Roll it. Stuff things inside it. Marker on it. Maybe even walk around and touch things with it. If you had something hanging off you, wouldn't you do the same? (And let's not forget the little girls who suction cup squeeze toys to their labia or try to look in the mirror.) The natural curiosity and innocence is something to embrace, not shame or punish.

Picking boogers and eating them is normal. Apparently it can help the gut, too. Bottoms up!

It's normal to be a pig one day, a dog the next. Just roll with it, even in the mud. This includes all manner of crossdressing. Boys love glitter polish and princess dresses as much as girls.

You might have pushed them out, given free access to boobs 24/7, and spent countless sleepless nights over them. But daddy stages are normal. It doesn't mean your kid hates you.

And on that note. Boob rejection, it happens. Take a deep breath, nothing is wrong with you. Your baby loves you. If it isn't a serious issue such as a tongue tie or pregnancy, it's probably something like a cat hair on the roof of her mouth.

When she turns to you and says you are the worst mommy on earth and she hates you? That's practice for the teen years. Expect a good amount of door slamming, kicking, throwing toys with movie-quality emphasis, and screaming. These are big emotions. Show her you care and model different ways to be honest.

Your preschooler throws his pencil on the ground and cries that he can't draw a perfect "A." He's got a bad case of elementary perfectionism. Help him wiggle it out with a dance and hug.

Mom, he's copying me! No, Mom! SHE is copying me! Stop it! You stop it! You-you stop it! *WAILING* Did primitive tribes experience the copying game? What about the poking game? The "I'll lie on the ground here and scream while you slightly touch my head with your foot obliviously because it didn't occur to me to move one inch to the right" game? I imagine a tribal family on a scavenging trip in the forest. "MAMI. Are we there yet? OW! He touched me!"

You are the gentlest, most respectful parent on the earth. You do everything the parenting books say. Your child will do everything anyways. Bite, kick, scream, hit, steal toys, throw sand, jump off the slide, kick off shoes, lick the dog, dump out bubbles..and, hey, we haven't even left early childhood yet.

Pace yourself.

When your child grabs his poop and throws it during a diaper change, it's normal. When you find her quietly dumping water onto the carpet and flooding your room, it's normal. When they crunch up all their granola bars and spread them over the couch to make sand, it's normal. When she asks ten thousand questions a day, it's normal. When they make farting noises and pretend their penises can shoot fire, it's normal. Welcome to the craziest time of complete normalcy in your life. Relax, you're going to be here for awhile. We didn't discuss the teen years. Just saying.

Here's my 7.5 month old, who worked so hard at walking that
he even smashed his poor nose right before this.
And my 3 year old, clutching his penis in public.
Seems like the perfect photo for this post.

Café Recap: 4th Annual Girlfriend's Guide to Birth

Welcome to a new series here on the blog, the Café Recap. After each Café Monday, we will post a summary of the information discussed on the panel. We hope to better include and inform those who are unable to attend the Café, and to serve as a resource for those who were present but can't quite remember all the details (hello, cute and distracting little babies, we're looking at you!) Please note that the article below is not professional advice. The Motherhood Collective does not claim responsibility or ownership of any of the ideas found below. Please consult with your Care Provider regarding any changes to lifestyle or habits. At The Motherhood Collective we encourage you to take a salad bar approach regarding this and all material. Take what you like. Leave the rest.

Its that time of year again! The 4th Annual Girlfriends' Guide to Birth, will have you laughing until there are tears in your eyes. Sometimes birth books just don't cover everything. If you are pregnant, come and join us for a candid morning filled with stories about birth from mamas you know. If you're not pregnant, join us and share something you wish someone would have told you. Whatever season you are in, the Annual Girlfriends Guide is sure to make you smile.

Our wonderful panelists: Lora Cartrett, Amanda Boywer, Erin Baird, Alisha Meador and our moderator, Lauren Barnes.

We see the movies; gushes of water, rushing to the hospital, followed by screams of pain and then a baby bursting forth. So what’s it really.... like? Lora's was just like the movies. Some didn't break until pushing.

Erin has had every behavior during labor- singing, screaming, bossing others around. Amanda, who is normally a quiet person, was a screamer and just didn't care who could hear or what they thought. With her second she nearly gave birth in the car, and the experience was so quick she found her self still in shock afterwords.

Husbands, wonderful as they are, are often less helpful than we'd hope during labor. Lora's big, burly husband turned into a crying mess, while Alisha's husband (a therapist) was almost too calm. Many husbands offer "advice" that is more or less helpful. A husband telling you how to push, or reminding you that women have been doing this for thousands of years, is not what a laboring woman wants to hear. Some husbands surprise us by being amazingly helpful and involved; moaning along with their wives, massaging, and offering support when needed.

Pushing positions: Stirrups are the "traditional" pushing position. For some this is helpful, when grabbing your legs is an impossible acrobatic feat. Some find that squatting or hand and knees is a more comfortable position for others.

Did you try to speed up your labor? Alisha found the shower to be soothing, as well as chanting and a glass of wine to keep her comfortable. Lora's blood pressure kept her in the bed for her first delivery, but with her second she moved and swayed to stay calm. A "peanut" ball is a comfort to some mothers who need to be in bed due to an epidural or other factors.

Pain coping mechanisms employed by our panelists include screaming into a blanket, negotiating with yourself internally, counting through contractions, chanting and listening to the sound of your own voice, and listening to a friend talk aimlessly. Amanda says that being mentally prepared and calm before getting to the hospital helps her.

What does pushing feel like? Our panelists said, "It's kind of like the biggest poop of your life." "You can't push with your legs, you have to push like a poop." "Something's happening, I'm not doing this. It's like the best/worst feeling ever. A painful feel good." "Pushing naturally felt good...with an epidural it's like psychic pushing." "Like reverse vomiting." "Something terrible is happening." Others don't feel the need to push, and feel that it is a much less involuntary process.

Poop during labor is something that many women are terrified about, but by show of hands actually pooping during labor is not especially traumatic. Some are not even aware of the fact, since there is so much going on during labor. Nurses are often excited by a labor poop, as it is generally caused by the head coming through the canal and is a sign of progress.

Did you know where to push? Or did you need direction from your labor team?Alisha and Amanda felt that they knew how to push when they were ready. Trying to push too early, though, does not feel natural. The placenta delivery also requires pushing sometimes. Others hardly notice the placenta delivery, while some find it to be painful to their already-sore bodies.

Our panelists would like to remind soon-to-be new mothers that your first labor does not have to be indicative of your second labor. If things didn't go as planned the first time, the next time it may! Use your previous knowledge and use each birth as a learning experience. It doesn't matter how you became a mom, even though sometimes external pressures make us feel inadequate. Motherhood is more than your birthing experience, and going from pregnancy to motherhood is an amazing accomplishment. Prepare as much as you can, but remember that when it comes down to it birth is out of your control.

We are so thankful to our great panelists and our audience for their participation. This was such a fun cafe, full of hilarious labor jokes and stories!

When it isn't love at first sight

"Oh my gosh, he's got a little pig nose!"This was my first thought when I saw my son, Benjamin, when they lifted him above the curtain that separated my eyes from the surgery that brought him into the world on that autumn day six years ago.My 2nd thought was this: "No! I can't believe that was my first thought about my baby!"

I don't remember what my first thought was about Micah, Benjamin's twin brother. I just remember praying that he would live as they whisked him away to the NICU without even letting me kiss his fragile, white face.

I didn't get to touch my sons until many hours after my c-section. I gingerly held Benji in my arms, painfully conscious of every wire, tube, and IV in his tiny 4 pound body. Cuddling was impossible.

I kissed his head. His stubby hair felt rough against my lips.

Holding him felt strangely foreign. And I didn't want to hurt him so I quickly let the NICU nurse put him back in the isolate.

With Micah, I gently stroked his foot as he received an emergency blood transfusion. I didn't get to hold him until the next day.

My husband and I were prepared for the NICU. We knew the boys would be premature, would have to stay in the hospital for a while.

What I wasn't prepared for was how detached I felt from my twins after they were born.

Who are you, little ones? I wondered, my eyes searching the faces of my babies, who looked more little little old men than chubby newborns.

Who am I? 

This was the thought I couldn't wrap my mind around. I didn't feel like a mother. Mothers gushed over their newborns, exclaiming delight, rapture, love at first sight!

I didn't feel anything.

After two weeks, the boys came home from the NICU in all their 4 pound glory and I plunged my life into caring for them. I was determined to breastfeed; when that didn't work (at first) I pumped around the clock. My children would have "the best." After all, isn't that what "good" mothers do?

My days at home with my preemie twins fell into a predictable, robotic pattern: First cry Warming bottles Feeding Burping Changing diapers Swaddling Back-to-crib Pumping Washing bottles and pump parts

Repeat

I didn't cuddle my babies or gaze in their eyes, stroking smooth cheeks and smelling necks. If I let myself indulge in a snuggle with one, I felt guilty for not cuddling the other. So, in the name of fairness, I didn't waver from my routine: First cry, warming bottles….

Other friends and my sister-in-law gave birth just a few weeks after I did. They posted on Facebook about how they had never felt such a love, how the baby filled every corner of their heart.

I inwardly rolled my eyes. They are lying. They are just trying to make themselves feel better. Motherhood is ROUGH!

But really, I was jealous of them. What was wrong with me as a woman, as a mother, that I didn't feel the way I was supposed to feel about my babies?

I definitely felt maternal. I took care of them to the best of my ability. I did my very best. I loved them, I really did! But the most I felt toward my newborns was "responsible."

Mostly I just felt broken, defunct.

The weeks slipped by. One month. Two months.

Then, a gift.

We were sitting on the couch, doing some eye gazing and one of the boys (I wish I could remember which one!) looked at me and smiled for the first time.

Oh! My heart actually jumped in my chest and tears sprang to my eyes. And in this moment, I felt true warmth toward my baby.

I felt the LOVE I knew was there but had been missing emotionally.

That smile was a seed that began to grow in my heart and I began to realize a shocking, startling truth:

Perhaps not every mother "falls in love at first sight" with her baby. Perhaps, maybe…some love stories start out slowly, growing deeper and truer over an entire lifetime.

Birth is just the beginning.

My twins are now six and a half years old. They are active, wild, funny, affectionate little boys. Every day when I pick them up from Kindergarten, they run like crazy maniacs across the street and fling their arms around my waist, yelling "MOMMY!" at the top of their lungs.

And my heart feels that same warm glow that began six precious years ago.

I still stare at them sometimes ("Mom…why are you looking at me? Stop!") and think:

Who are you, little one?

And instead of being filled with fear and uncertainty, this question fills me with eagerness to get to know my sons more and more as they grow each day, each year to adulthood.

I will never stop wanting to know them more completely, love them more throughly.

Because sometimes you don't fall in love with your baby at first sight . Sometimes love grows slowly with purpose and strength over a lifetime.

Single Mom Survival Guide: Traveling Solo

My 2014 New Year's Resolution was to embrace my independence. Basically, I wanted to get more comfortable with the idea of doing things on my own. As a married person, there were a lot of things I had become accustomed to doing as a pair. Some of them were as simple as going out to dinner or the movies, up to the big things like negotiating the purchase of a new sofa, new car, or a new house. Honestly, making decisions on my own didn't come easy at first, even despite my bossy persona. Most of it has gotten easier with time and out of necessity.

My challenge for this year was taking a vacation on my own. Just a long weekend away to explore a place I've never been that is on my "bucket list." Now, I must confess, although I was adamant about accomplishing this, the whole premise terrified me. I had a lot of anxiety about going alone. Some of the anxiety stemmed from the idea of not really knowing my way around or how to navigate a new place. And some of it was irrational - what if I don't have the guts to leave the hotel room and explore the city once I get there? What if I stumble into a crappy neighborhood and get mugged? As a result, I booked and cancelled my getaway trip twice before I had the courage to finally go.

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Following this last trip booking, I decided that I had to go and I couldn't make any more excuses. So I booked a long weekend in Seattle. Seattle was a city I always wanted to visit. It always seemed like a fun and safe city, with an interesting history and a small footprint which makes it easy to see in just a couple of days. After talking to a lot of other single mamas, I realize how lucky I am to have a long weekend to myself every other weekend. It was time to take advantage of my time alone and do something adventurous.

 

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The first thing I did as soon as I got on the plane was made friends and asked questions. I was flying with lot of Seattleites, and they were all very proud of their city and the fun things it had to offer. On the flight out, I sat next to a very nice guy - a lawyer originally from L.A. who moved to Seattle 10 years ago. He put together a list of all of the best restaurants and live music venues. He also told me which neighborhoods to avoid and drew me a map of the public transportation system. Once we landed, he took me to the light rail line and gave me a business card in case I ran into any trouble.

Once I got into downtown Seattle, I quickly found my bearings. The concierge at my hotel provided me with a map of all of the touristy stops. I visited all of the essentials: the Space Needle, Pike Place Market, the Great Ferris Wheel, and a lot of museums (I managed to find their shopping district too, inflicting some damage to my credit card). At each stop, I asked locals where they liked to go to dinner and what they liked to do for fun. I found a lot of good spots that way, and I also learned that although there are 2,000 of them in a 5 square mile radius, Starbucks is not well loved by the true Seattle coffee people.

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The highlight of my trip was going to a Seattle Sounders game. As a Philadelphia Union fan, I was excited to see the best team in the league play, but I couldn't believe the fan base. I bought a ticket 4 hours before the game on Ticketmaster for $40. My seat was great - 8 rows back at mid-field among all of the season ticket holders. After they made fun of me being from Philly and preparing for me to throw punches or the F-bomb after the first bad call of the game, they took me in as one of their own. It was a neat thing to see 50,000 soccer fans in a sea of green that were so proud of their team and their city.

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My last day there, I just wandered around town, revisiting my favorite coffee shop on my visit and taking time to enjoy the water view. As I sat overlooking Puget Sound, missing my kids and finally realizing just how far from home I really was, I was overwhelmed with a sense of calm. I made it. I have evolved. I'm not the victim I could have easily taken the role of; I am the exception, improving myself and my outlook on life.

Happiness doesn't find you. You have to seek it out every day. Adventure doesn't find you. You have to step out of your comfort zone and seek out those things that excite, scare, and ultimately inspire you. And sometimes, doing those things on your own gives you a greater sense of accomplishment. For a while, I was lonely waiting for someone to experience life with, but now I'm learning that you have to lead the charge on your own. Explore the world - sometimes you will have the luxury of a travel companion but don't avoid travel if you don't. Work and kids and bills and house cleaning will all be there when you get home, so make your free time worth living for.

Here are some of my favorites from my Seattle visit:

Favorite place to wander around aimlessly: Pike Place Market - this is definitely a foodie must. There were amazing baked goods to try and a huge variety of amazing fresh seafood picked right out of the water. The Hmong flower stalls were beautiful as well. They have gorgeous huge bouquets of flowers for just $10, which is unheard of around here.

 

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Favorite Tourist Spot: Bill Speidel's Underground Tour (James St. & 1st Ave.) - a fun way to learn the history of the city at the expense of its founding fathers, complete with a 90 minute trek under the city streets.

Favorite Seafood: Ivar's Acres of Clams (1001 Alaskan Way) - the clam chowder and seafood cocktail were delicious and only a few bucks during happy hour. They also encourage feeding the seagulls at their walk-up fish and chips shop outside. Those birds were the happiest but most obese I've ever seen.

Favorite Coffee: Storyville Coffee (1st & Madison) - best latte of my life and they even make the foam on top look like a heart. A far cry from my typical Dunkin Donuts fare.

Favorite Brunch: Sazerac (1101 4th Ave.) - I recommend the Diablo scramble - muy delicioso.

Favorite Museum: EMP Museum (325 5th Ave. N.) - a museum dedicated to all things pop culture. I loved the Nirvana exhibit - brought me right back to high school and my alt rock CD collection of the day.

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How To Give A Bad Haircut

Parenting: If you can't laugh at yourself, you're doing it wrong.

My sweet Joanna has thick, straight hair like me. It lays in the same direction each day but can have varying degrees of volume depending on how she sleeps on it. Her hair also grows with weed-like speed. Rather than spend $12 for a haircut each month, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

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The tools I used: A leaky sippy cup to get her bangs wet, a comb that came in her newborn hygiene kit, and a pair of safety scissors with a dull end and not-quite-as-dull blades. With these three tools in hand, I was ready for success.

I made sure Joanna was positioned in a high chair in front of the TV, eating crackers and drinking water. I doused her head, combed it through, sectioned off half of her hair so I would only be cutting some of her bangs so the rest could grow out. I began hacking away. Starting on her left side, I worked my way over. Her wiggly protests and "No hair, mommy. No hair" while trying to keep her hands out of the growing pile of discarded strands on her tray table provided an artistic interpretation of what a straight line should be. I finished my work, took a step back to admire, and promptly began laughing.

"Jonathan.. do you think I can convince people that Joanna cut her own hair?"

I tried again to even out the chunks.

Shorter.

I tried once again to even out my crooked line.

Even shorter.

I finally stopped before she turned into Mae West.

I successfully gave my child a Spock mullet. She's part Vulcan part Nascar enthusiast.

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Before |  After

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"Daddy, please save me from mommy's artistic vision."

Morning Mess

What do you do when you feel like you're losing control? When you feel like you are plum full of the crying or the waking up at night or the incessant questions? baby-photo-420x420-talvegard-img_6614

I had a moment recently, where I woke upon the very wrong side of the bed. Jax hadn't been sleeping through the night; he was just waking up from dreams and quickly falling back to sleep on his own. Well, for me that meant hearing him on the monitor, getting half out of bed, laying back down when I couldn't hear him fussing anymore, and staring at the ceiling for an hour before I could go back to sleep only to be woken again 30 minutes later. All.Night.Long. I was exhausted. I'm a work-outside-the-home mother (I say it that way because, for me, my outside job is far easier than staying home and I have huge admiration for those who can stay home) and I had gotten about 4 hours of sleep. I don't function well without sleep. So I wake up to my child screaming, at a more appropriate time to get out of bed, and I slowly trudge out of my room to his. Meanwhile, my 6yr old step-daughter had snuck into the little alcove between my room and the bathroom and when she saw me walking by she spoke...and scared the ever loving sunshine and rainbows out of me. She didn't mean to and I wasn't mad at her...but it was one more thing to piss me off. I hate being scared. I apologized to her and went to get my screamer only to discover that he's also in a terrible mood. Unsatisfied with the milk and breakfast I was offering he went into full meltdown mode. Every parent deals with this. It may be a valid meltdown, it may be over the color of their shoes. Regardless, he lost it and I couldn't handle it. Then, at that very moment, in a matter of about ten seconds, I questioned every single decision I had made about life in the past two-ish years. My brain screamed at me that I was sooooooo not fit to be a mother. It screamed at me that I was a huge failure to my kids and that I was a horrible wife. All of my insecurities flew at me and I just felt crushed. I picked up my screaming mess of a child and put him back in his crib. He needed a bit more sleep and I needed to walk away. If you've never done this as a parent then count your blessings and share your secret with the rest of us. I then trudged down the hall to the bathroom where my loving and oblivious husband was getting ready for work. He asked me if I was ok (I'm assuming he was basing that question by the horrible look on my face but I have no idea what that look entailed). My response? "No, I'm not ok. I'm pissed off." Now, my husband is almost always saintlike when it comes to dealing with me. So, wisely he asked what was wrong and when I shot him a death look he came over to hug me. I did not want to be hugged. He just held on. After about 20 seconds I relented and almost crumbled. He held me up and let me sob. He had NO idea why I was pissed or why his wife was a sobbing mess. He just held me. Thank the Good Lord for him! I choked out that I feel like an awful mother and a terrible wife and I have no idea why I'm in such a terrible mood! He affirmed that I was neither awful nor terrible and asked for an explanation. After learning about the last ten minutes he wisely left me to get ready for work and went to help the kids. Jax indeed fell asleep quite quickly and I was glad that I chose to lay him back down. He is much like his mother and doesn't do well without good sleep.

That day, I failed. It sucked. I couldn't tell you now how the rest of my day went but what I do know is that the next day wasn't as bad. And then, at some point, we had a good morning. That's what it's all about; moving forward. I didn't wallow in the awful feelings of that one morning the rest of the week. I chalked it up to a crap day and let it go. This is the biggest lesson I've been learning recently. I cannot let one failure derail me from having a successful week. I cannot let myself be brought down by bad moods, or an entire sippy cup of milk being spilled all over me and my couch (because THAT just happened!!). It's not worth the misery of guilt. Mommy guilt will always be there but it's up to me to deal with it and move on.

 

Raising a Kid in the 21st Century

Is technology better for a child's development compared to old school child's play?

In the technology-based world of today, a three-year old playing an app in some hi-tech phone is not an uncommon sight though, quite frankly, it’s still something most of us need some getting used to. Or is it?

Many argue over the negative effects of technology towards child learning and development. After all, much of our forefathers didn’t have the same technological privileges we have today and yet, they were able to produce geniuses and brilliant leaders. So what’s the need for such tools today?

Technological advancements coupled with internet access makes for a powerful weapon. And as in any weapon, it depends on how it’s used that makes it an advantage or a disadvantage. If your kid is spending a fair amount of time in front of the computer, he/she probably won’t suffer from strained eyes or bad posture and instead will reap the benefits – specifically advanced or specialized learning – of having access to such technology. But leave your child there for a couple more hours per day and the whole thing backfires.

Photo courtesy of Ramberto Cumagun

Friend: As an educational tool

As in educational programs for television, today’s technology targets specific areas of learning (e.g., Math, Language, etc.) through a variety of specialized programs. For toddlers, fiddling with a laptop or smartphone develops hand-eye coordination since what they see on-screen results from what key they press. Same thing with touch screens although the process may not be as creative as, say, finger painting.

With specialized programs, your children can learn at a pacing they’re most comfortable with. They can also learn on their own by depending on text or audio instructions. Never has there been a time when information is right at your fingertips than now. You can take advantage of this fact and let your kids learn beyond the confines of a set curriculum.

If you have children with special needs and/or abilities, there are apps designed to specifically cater to their every need, enabling them to learn with much efficiency.

Foe: As a destructive and distractive tool

As technology paves the way for a global village, your kids will have access to lots of information and people. What’s crucial is the filtering of what will reach them. You may install a firewall to prevent your children from accessing websites with inappropriate content.

Since playing with the computer or an iPad rarely involves physical activity (with the exception of Wii and Kinect), your kids are short-changed when it comes to exercise and motor development.  Being in front of the screen most of the time also limits personal interaction – essential in developing social skills.  Because almost everything is within reach and fast-paced, it may develop impatience, instant gratification, and ultimately, laziness among kids. Also, due to its overstimulation nature, it may encourage short-attention span leaving your kids having a hard time in dealing with quieter past-times or relatively “boring” teaching counterparts.

Others argue that it interferes with sleep and homework especially with social networking sites being so addictive. MUDs (multi-user dungeons) also tend to desensitize children toward violence and death.

Technological advancements also put the poorer communities to a disadvantage since they tend to have limited access to technology.

Playtime: Back to old school learning

There is no doubt that experiential learning is an effective learning tool. Through this, your kids learn what their bodies can and cannot do and the consequences of such. Outside play is important even in preschool years as it develops visual-spatial processing which technologies are limited in developing. Play time also develops kids’ creativity through arts-and-crafts-making as well as cognitive development through different educational toys like puzzles, building blocks, etc.

It promotes socialization – meaning actual or personal interaction – through playgroups and team activities. However, keep in mind that there will always be squabbles among kids so keep a closer eye.

So which is better?

It all actually depends on the quality of the learning environment, teaching, and education. These “stools” are only there to aid your kids’ learning abilities. It’s how you use it to your advantage that’s crucial. However, there is always a trade-off so opt for balance instead of an either/or debate.

The world is headed towards an even more technologically-advanced society and so being tech-savvy will be a definitive edge. However, this doesn’t mean we must and can do away with the "older" practices which have been proven effective through time. Technology shouldn’t be seen as a replacement, rather, an educational support to classroom set-up learning. It is relatively young and thus, has lots of room for improvement. If only utilized effectively then maybe it can prove extremely beneficial in the education realm.

Tips and Tricks for Maternity "Leave"

maternity As a business owner, the idea of maternity leave is a tricky situation. Finding the balance between work and family, that unending internal battle that we all struggle with, becomes even more of a puzzle now that your family is growing. Taking a true break from work when your company depends on you is likely not an option; read on to see choices I have made and decisions I have struggled with in this new chapter of life.

 

First of all, having the option and ability to work from home is such a blessing and not one that I take for granted. The idea has always been that I will continue to work from home, running this web design business, and also staying at home with our children as they grow up. With the birth of our first son in April, I have implemented a few changes in my routine to accommodate both work and family.

Plan Ahead In the middle of my pregnancy, I took advantage of my high energy levels and worked overtime. Having the opportunity to get more work done than usual made me feel a lot better about taking some time off later. Financially the company had our best few months ever during this time, which means I had a nice cushion going into April and May when the baby was taking up the majority of my time. Knowing that I could continue to draw a paycheck for many months without any additional income was a relief, and worth the extra effort that I put in ahead of time.

Be Flexible Newborns run on their own schedule, and no amount of effort on your part is going to successfully change that. While we have gotten into a decent routine, there is no telling what time the baby will be feeding or napping each day. I take advantage of every free moment to get even little tasks done. Replying to emails on my phone while holding the baby, making quick updates for clients during nap time, etc. have all been crucial to my continued productivity. I made the mistake early on of thinking that I knew when he would be awake or asleep, but banking on that only left me frazzled when I was wrong.

Rely on Others My husband works nearby and is an equal partner in raising our kids. I try to squeeze in a bit of work during “normal” business hours, but when he gets home it is his time with our son while I catch up in the office. During these first weeks of Isaac’s life, Adam has been able to work part time at home. This has been a HUGE help in the transition to a family of three. His job allows him to be flexible, and he has used saved up vacation time to spend more time at home. Whether he is taking care of Isaac so that I can catch up on sleep/work/everything or getting things done around the house while I have the baby, he is a huge help. We had other family, my mom and sister, visit and help out for a few days as well. But even once you’re past those first few big adjustment days, it is not easy to find time for everything in the day. Use others to free up some of your time for work priorities.

Be Realistic During the last weeks of my pregnancy, I was very aware of my schedule and work-load. I was careful to coordinate projects so that they would either be done by the time the baby arrived, or could be put on hold for a few weeks at that time. In these first few weeks I have not been taking on new projects, making current clients the priority instead. This ensures that existing sites continue to run smoothly and are up-to-date, without overwhelming my limited time in the office. Now that I have my energy back and am able to get more done, I am talking with potential clients about new projects. I am aware, however, that my availability will not be what it was. Timelines for projects are longer than before, giving me more time to get my work done and avoiding a decrease in quality due to time constraints.

Those are my tips for life (and work!) after baby. Any other working parents out there with some advice to share?

Breastfeeding is hard

  The Motherhood Collective is very thankful to Paola Parsons (http://loveandcupcakesblog.com/) for allowing us to share her post today!

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I’ve been wanting to write this post since Cielo was born but I thought I’d wait a little to see how things pan out. One month in and I stand by the statement that breastfeeding is hard. And you know what? Every single mom that I have spoken to since Cielo’s birth has said the exact same thing. One even told me she thought it was almost harder than labor itself!

So why is this something I never knew before having the baby? Why isn’t this topic shared in more birth classes and prenatal appointments? Why didn’t my midwife tell me I may have a hard time with one of the most elementary aspects of being a mom? Breastfeeding has been the number one topic of conversation concerning the baby in my household. And after speaking to so many moms and hearing similar stories to mine, I thought it was time we had an open and honest conversation about the trials and triumphs of breastfeeding. I want to know your stories. Did you find it hard to nurse your baby? How did you cope? Were you more successful? What can you share with new moms to help them along?

I encourage everyone to comment on this post (the more advice, stories, knowledge, the better), but let’s all be supportive of each others thoughts and parenting philosophies (including mine). How you feed your baby can be such a hot topic and I don’t believe in parent shaming. We all do what we need to do to keep our kids safe, happy and healthy, right? Right!

So let’s talk about breastfeeding…

Cielo Love First Hours-2

Less than an hour after Cielo was born, she was latched to my left breast with such ferocity. Her suck was so strong. She had done it all on her own and I was so proud of her. I thought to myself, we did it. We’re breastfeeding. I expressed my right breast and saw that colostrum was oozing out. It felt amazing to be feeding my baby from my own body. I felt superhuman. Not only did my body grow new life inside of it, I had given birth– an experience only those who have gone through can understand. And now, I was nursing my new baby from my own bosom. She knew her job and I knew mine. Nature is so amazing, I thought.

By the next day, I had nursed the baby about one million times (no joke!). My nipples were starting to feel a little sore. No one ever told me how often newborns liked to feed. And I was following the “feed on demand” or “breast on demand” philosophy, which states to nurse baby whenever she suckles or roots– this includes baby sucking on her hand, which Cielo would do non-stop! So, I obliged my hungry baby and nursed her…and nursed her…and nursed her. Although I received some guidance from my midwife on how to get her to properly latch and what sensations I should be feeling (deep tugs within my breast and contractions in my uterus), my actual lactation consultant (LC) didn’t see me until the middle of the second day postpartum. By then, my nipples were no longer just sore; they were cracked and almost bloody. I also started to notice that Cielo was getting frustrated when she nursed sometimes and would cry out hysterically, even with my boob sitting in her mouth. The LC decided to check inside of Cielo’s little mouth. She explained to us that the baby had a tight frenulum (tongue-tie) and that we should have it clipped. CLIP MY BABY’S TONGUE?!! I thought. Heck no! That sounded really awful! I asked to speak with my midwife immediately. She came in and I explained what the horrible LC had told us. Our midwife stared back blankly. She said it was no big deal, lots of baby’s have a tight frenulum and that the procedure was totally routine and performed daily. A tight frenulum is often the cause of a poor latch which is frustrating for baby because her tongue doesn’t stick out far enough to let down the milk she so desperately wants. A poor latch can also damage the nipple. I had never heard of tongue tie and no one had ever mentioned it as a possibility so naturally, I was a bit skeptical.

From the beginning of our pregnancy, Evan and I made the decision that we would not allow anyone– be it a medical professional, a family member or a friend– pressure us into doing or feeling anything that didn’t fit into our vision of a healthy pregnancy and birth. And we wanted to continue that thinking once the baby was here. So, instead of hastily clipping the frenulum, we decided we’d wait, get more opinions and do more research. In all, we sought the opinions of three pediatricians, three lactation consultants, two nurses, one midwife and countless websites, and they all said the same thing– her frenulum was indeed tight and that we should have it clipped.

So finally we did, but it was a whole six days after her birth. We’re proud of ourselves for having the wherewithal to follow our guts and do more research on the topic, but sadly, days one through five of our breastfeeding life become progressively worse as a result. Cielo became increasingly unhappy the days following our homecoming from the hospital…as did my nipples. By night three, I was dripping blood from one nipple. I decided, I shouldn’t breastfeed. Instead, I would just pump. Pumping was proving to be more successful. We were feeding Cielo with a syringe to avoid nipple confusion. Between pumps, I would lube up with Neosporin and sit around with no top on so that my nipples had enough air to breath and heal faster. Cielo was still fussy, but she seemed to be getting enough milk to keep her satisfied for the time being. It wasn’t until our fifth night with our newborn that shit really hit the fan. While I was pumping, my left breast began to spew blood into the bottle, then, as if cued by the left, the right one followed suit. Both of my breasts were now pumping large amounts of blood. Too much to feed the baby. It was the middle of the night. Cielo began to cry. I began to cry. How was I going to feed our baby?! That was my job, she was trying to do hers. I was devastated. And scared. I had no idea how to put food in my baby’s belly at that moment. Then Evan blurted out the F word…FORMULA. I looked at him in horror and cried some more. Formula was not part of my vision. It was not part of my plan. I was a natural mom. I labored for 26 hours and not once asked for pain medicine. I spent nine months eating healthy and exercising. I was a breastfeeding mom, not a formula mom. But in that moment Cielo was all that mattered and she was crying out in hunger…and I couldn’t bear it anymore. It was 3am when we hit our breaking point. Evan threw on his pajama pants (inside out– we can laugh about this now) and drove as fast as he could to the nearest open drug store. We hadn’t even opened the three bottles we had purchased “just in case” we ever needed one.

The moment the bottle touched her lips, Cielo was sucking as hard as she could. She inhaled the formula. And then she stopped crying. And then she curled up and went to sleep. She had been up for hours crying, rooting, sucking on her hands…she was hungry that whole time. My heart still breaks thinking of this. In that moment, I understood that maternal instinct of needing to do whatever it takes to keep your baby safe and happy. I would kill. I would die. I would give my baby formula forever if it meant that she was better off.

I left my formula feeding prejudices behind that night. In fact, I left all of my parenting prejudices behind that night. Happy, healthy, safe – that’s my new philosophy. And whatever road it takes to get there, that’s of no importance to me (within reason, of course).

We formula fed for the next two days while my nipples fully healed. Cielo turned into a whole new baby. She was content, she was full, she was sleeping– she was the kind of baby we had hoped to have all along.

When I finally felt ready to get back to nursing, I started off slow. Nursed a little, pumped a little and continued to supplement with formula as needed. In a matter of a few days, I was back to breastfeeding full-time. Cielo’s latch is great now and I know when she’s getting enough milk. My supply has come in healthily and continues to grow each day. I now even pump once a day for the freezer and I’m still able to feed the baby sufficiently.

AND…we continue to use formula as needed. No qualms about it.

I’m a happier, more confident mom now. Evan has been able to participate in feedings more directly and connect with Cielo during that intimate time. In retrospect, there are a number of things I could have done differently to have avoided all of our breastfeeding woes, but we’re happy with the cards that were dealt to us. We learned a great deal about ourselves, our baby and what kind of parents we want and need to be to keep her happy, healthy and safe.

A few suggestions (take them or leave them):

1) Find a lactation consultant that you like and trust, and consult her as often as necessary. Many LC’s will make house calls or talk you through any dilemmas over the phone. 

2) Find a support group. Whether a friend, family member or postpartum group, seek out your peers to help you. These are women that have gone through or are going through a similar scenario to you. Help each other.

3) Make sure to have the necessary tools for successful nursing– nipple guards, creams and ointments, soothing pads, ice packs, a good pump, plenty of bottles or feeding utensils (there are many alternatives to bottles), etc. 

4) NEVER feel bad for the decisions you have made when it comes to keeping your baby happy, healthy and safe. You don’t have to defend yourself. You are the mom (or dad) and ONLY YOU know what your child needs.  

5) If nursing is your end goal, DON’T GIVE UP!!! Breastfeeding is hard, but the more you do it, the better and easier it gets. Take your time and keep at it. 

I hope my story is helpful to any other moms who are having trouble with nursing. Know that you’ll get through it and YOU’RE NOT ALONE!!!

xoxo, Paola

 

 

What to Tell Your Kids When They're Left Alone in the House

Looking after the kids is an imperative for any responsible parent. So obviously, child safety tops their list of priorities. However, certain situations require you to leave the house with no option to bring the kids with you. For most parents, the thought of leaving their child at home and alone conjures up a variation of possible scenarios, these scenarios often rest on the negative side of things. When such situations come up, it is best to know the things you must consider to ensure the safety of your children. Because you can’t always avoid these kinds of situations, but you can always prepare for them in advance. You best take note of some child safety tips so that when you do leave your children at home, you know that they are safe and not in harm’s way. But before you do, you should first know if your child is in fact ready to be left home alone.  

Are we allowed to leave our kids at home alone?

This question is tricky, because there is no concrete limiting instructions for when you can leave your child at home. The act seems to be dancing on the verge of the division between neglect and independence. On the one hand, you don’t really want to have your child spend the day alone in the house, but on the other hand, you know there’s something you have to do outside and it could be the chance for your child to learn some independence. But it’s not as clear-cut as we want it to be. The focus then should not be on the parent, but more on the child. When you, as the parent, are deciding on what to do, consider your child first. Is he or she ready to be left alone in the house? Can he or she manage to spend a day or just a couple of hours with just him or herself? Evaluate your child’s maturity before making a decision. Measure your child’s capability to be independent, judge by age and character. You as the parent should know when your child is ready to be left alone.

Boy Coming Home After School

 

How can you tell if your child is ready?

Though it sounds so easy to make sure your child is ready before deciding on leaving him or her alone at home, it isn’t really an easy thing to do. Today, usual criteria employed in seeing if your child is ready for a taste of independence are beginning to grow faulty. What with young children learning to do more things in the house and older, young adults still latching on their parents for support, such as the case of Rachel Canning who filed a case against her parents, demanding for support for her college years. But to see if your child is ready to be left alone, you first look at his or her age. It is a universal rule that children below 5 years old cannot be left alone at home and that ages 16 and above should know their way around the house enough to manage it in cases when the parents are away. So if your child is under or above those age limits, then you know what to do. If they however, rest in the middle part of the bracket, you can proceed to the next step. Ask them about the idea of being left alone. Most kids under 10 years old aren’t comfortable with having the house for themselves and most kids from 13 to 15 relish the idea for the wrong reasons. So through asking them about the idea of being left alone, you get a clearer picture of what you should do. If your child shows signs of apprehension or worry with the idea, don’t push through. In the end, you would still be the judge; it’s just best to know their take on the matter as well.

 

Things to put in mind when you’ve decided to leave your child at home

When you finally make a decision and you choose to leave your child at home for a couple of hours or a day, here are a few things you should consider to keep them safe.

Make sure your child is aware of the situation. Let them know that they are responsible for the time being and let them know what time you are most likely to come home. In this way they can gauge on their own the amount of time they’d have to spend alone and see if they can handle it.

Let’s face it, the top scenario you fear when thinking of leaving your child at home is the thought of burglars. It’s a legitimate fear and not an impossible one at that. But you can do your best so that it remains just that, an imagined scenario and not a real one. If you are really worried about it, set-up home alarm systems. IP communicators and IP surveillance cameras will help you keep track of your child through wireless access portal that can be optimized for video streaming. Alarm monitoring services and home alarm systems are available in alarm system stores present in different cities. Today’s technology allows you to keep watch of your children even when you’re away. So if this fear is the one hounding you and stopping you from leaving your child at home, then now you know what to do.

5 Tips to Create a Painless Bedtime With Your Toddler

While there are many toddlers out there that can go to bed without a fuss and can sleep happily until morning, there are quite a few others who don’t. These toddlers try to negotiate, stall or delay every second they can before they actually fall asleep. If you’re struggling with your toddler’s bedtime process, these five tips will help create peace and even make you enjoy bedtime. Tip #1: The day affects the night:

If your toddler is hard to settle for bedtime or wakes up often during the night, their day may be the cause. Is he sleeping too much during the day? Try cutting back how long he's napping or you may need to drop the nap altogether (as long as he is at least 3 years old). Another reason can be he is not sleeping enough during the day? An overtired toddler can find it struggle falling asleep and staying asleep at night, so it's important that they get enough rest during the day. Is he getting enough attention during the day? Toddlers need a certain amount of attention and if they're not getting it during the day they have trouble letting go of the individualized attention they suddenly have as you are trying to put them to bed at night.

 

Tip #2: Teach your child what is expected of them:

It would be amazing for our little love bugs to just instantly obey us as we tell them to do something, but 9 times out of 10 their minds aren’t even grasping the idea of what you are trying to communicate to them. Be clear, precise, and fun. Think about it as they see it. Go through the bedtime routine as simple and fun as you possibly can. Get them excited about bedtime and teach them exactly what is expected of them during the night so there are no questions to be asked.

 

Tip #3: Routine, routine, routine:

I can’t say it enough. Routine is fundamental in creating a great sleeper. Kids love it and thrive on it. A nightly bedtime routine helps your child learn what is expected of them and their body. It allows their body to wine down and get sleepy. A solid routine during bedtime also creates a happy and enjoyable feeling for a child’s sleeping environment. It gives them security and sense of ownership.

 

Not every child has the same bedtime routine. But in general, your routine should include all the things that your child needs to do before going to sleep, including brushing teeth, taking a bath, putting on their pajamas, and having a snack or glass of water. Your child may want to be read to, talk about the day, or be told a story. Whatever you choose to do, keep the routine short (30 minutes or less) and be firm about ending it when it's time to sleep. No negotiating.

 

sleeping-child

 

 

Tip #5: Let them give their opinion:

Eliminate the power struggle that often comes while you are trying to get your toddler to bed. Calm down, breathe and give them the opportunity to provide an opinion. You are the parent and you set the rules and the time that your toddler goes to sleep. But, giving options eliminates a full on power struggle and will make your bedtime routine much more enjoyable (for both you). Ask them if they would like to choose which pajamas they would like to wear? Which two books would you like to read tonight? Or what stuffed animal would you like to sleep with? These opportunities to allow them to make their own decisions, creates confidence and lowers the bedtime battles.

 

Tip #5: Give them praise:

Children need to receive words of affirmation after obeying things you have told them to do. Praise them for a job well done! Give them big hugs and tell them how cozy they looked while sleeping that night. Most parents use a sticker chart to help reward their child. Once they have received a certain amount of stickers, they receive a special surprise. Giving your child an opportunity to see their progress can help continue the process and get them excited to sleep in their bed without a huff and a puff.

 

About the Author:

Melissa Perry is the Founder and Senior Sleep Consultant of www.thecradlecoach.com.  Please stop by to learn more about the services they offer!

 

Montessori Moods: Sound Cylinders

The sound cylinders are a very fun sensorial activity. The purpose is to refine the sense of hearing and to teach vocabulary such as “loud,” “soft,” “loudest,” “louder,” etc. Traditionally the activity consists of twelve wooden cylinders, six with red tops and six with blue tops. Each set is filled with six different fillings that each makes a different sound, such that there are six matching pairs. Image from Montessori Outlet

Sound cylinders are very easy to make. You just need twelve opaque containers with lids. Film canisters come to mind, but are harder to come by these days. I used Easter eggs for mine. They are easy to find at the right time of year and pretty cheap. I was a bit desperate to make them when I did and the only eggs I could find that were matching and in sufficient quantity were camo. A little bit distracting, but not too bad. To simplify the activity a bit, I only made four "cylinders" per set instead of six. To distinguish the two sets, I drew purple circles on one end of the egg with a permanent marker. Not my proudest DIY moment, but they work for us. I’m sure you can figure out something more sophisticated! We use egg cartons cut down to size to store them.

I then filled the eggs with four different fillings. My “loudest” filling is dried beans. My softest filling is salt. The two in the middle were some type of grains I had in my pantry. The exact filling doesn’t matter, you just need them to make four different sounds from loud to soft. You could use rocks, dirt, sand, coins, beads—whatever you can find in your house.

DSC_0732 I know. They're ugly.

To present the activity, take both groups of cylinders to a table or rug (when doing work on the floor, Montessori uses a rug to define the work space for the child). Place both sets next to each other. Take a cylinder from group one and shake it next to your ear. Do the same thing with the other three in that group. Let your child do the same. Take the loudest cylinder and shake it again. Then grab one of the cylinders from group two with your other hand and shake it. If they don’t match, put the group two cylinder back and try a different one. Go through all of group two until you find the one that matches. Set the pair aside and match the remaining three using the same procedure. Encourage your child to repeat the activity.

DSC_0728

Once your child has had some experience doing the first activity, you can do some extensions. You can teach vocabulary using the three period lesson and also grade the cylinders from loudest to softest. You can play different memory games by putting the groups on different rugs/tables with a little distance between them. You can ask the child to find a cylinder that is louder or softer than a specific cylinder. You can also do the activity blindfolded!

This is one of my favorite sensorial activities. I hope you and your child enjoy it, too!

"Mommy, Somebody Needs You."

The Motherhood Collective is very thankful to Megan Morton (www.yourbestnestindy.com) for allowing us to share her post today!  

by Megan Minneman Morton

Ever since we brought our new daughter home, her older brothers have been the first to tell me when she is crying, whimpering, or smelling a little suspicious.  “Somebody needs you,” they say.  I have no idea how this little saying started, but at first it sort of annoyed me.  I could be enjoying a quick shower… “Mommy, somebody needs you.  The baby is crying.”  Or, sitting down for a second, quite aware that the baby was beginning to stir from a nap…. “Mama, somebody needs you!”  Okay!  I get it already!  And not to mention that the newborn’s needs pale in comparison to the needs of 2 little boys.  Somebody always needs a snack, a band-aid, a different sock, ice cubes in their water, a NEW Paw Patrol, a stream of snot wiped, a hug, a story, a kiss.  Some days never seem to end, and the monotony of being “needed” can really take its toll. Then, it all started to hit me, they need ME.  Not anybody else.  Not a single other person in the whole world.  They need their Mommy.

The sooner I can accept that being Mommy means that I never go off the clock, the sooner I can find peace in this crazy stage of life.   That ‘Mommy’ is my duty, privilege and honor. I am ready to be there when somebody needs me, all day and all night.  Mommy means I just put the baby back down after her 4am feeding when a 3-year-old has a nightmare.  Mommy means I am surviving on coffee and toddler leftovers.  Mommy means my husband and I haven’t had a real conversation in weeks.  Mommy means I put their needs before my own, without a thought.  Mommy means that my body is full of aches and my heart is full of love.

I am sure there will come a day when no one needs me.  My babies will all be long gone and consumed with their own lives.  I may sit alone in some assisted living facility watching my body fade away.  No one will need me then.  I may even be a burden.  Sure, they will come visit, but my arms will no longer be their home.  My kisses no longer their cure.  There will be no more tiny boots to wipe the slush from or seat belts to be buckled.  I will have read my last bedtime story, 7 times in a row.  I will no longer enforce time outs.  There will be no more bags to pack and unpack or snack cups to fill.  I am sure my heart will yearn to hear those tiny voices calling out to me, “Mommy, somebody needs you!”

So for now, I find beauty in the peaceful 4am feedings in our cozy little nursery.  We are perched above the naked oak trees in our own lavender nest.  We watch the silent snow fall and a bunny scampering across its perfect white canvas.  It’s just me and my little baby, the neighborhood is dark and still.  We alone are up to watch the pale moon rise and the shadows dance along the nursery wall.  She and I are the only ones to hear the barn owl hooting in the distance.  We snuggle together under a blanket and I rock her back to sleep.  It’s 4am and I am exhausted and frustrated, but it’s okay, she needs me.  Just me.  And maybe, I need her too.  Because she makes me Mommy.  Some day she will sleep through the night.  Some day I will sit in my wheelchair, my arms empty, dreaming of those quiet nights in the nursery.  When she needed me and we were the only two people in the world.

Can I enjoy being needed?  Sometimes, sure, but often it is tiring.  Exhausting.  But, it isn’t meant to be enjoyed every moment.  It is a duty.  God made me their Mom.  It is a position I yearned for long before I would ever understand it.  Over a 3 day weekend my husband couldn’t believe how many times our boys kept saying, “Mommy.  Mommy.  Mommy”!  “Are they always like this?” he asked not able to hide his terror, and sympathy.  “Yep.  All day, everyday.  That’s my job.”  And I have to admit that it is the toughest job I have ever had.  In a previous life I was a restaurant manager for a high volume and very popular chain in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida.  A Saturday night at 7:30pm with the expo window overflowing with dishes, a 2 hour wait, and the electricity inexplicably going out has got nothing on a Tuesday, 5:00pm at the Morton house.  And let me tell ya, South Florida diners are some of the toughest to please.  But, they are a cake walk compared to sleep-deprived toddlers with low blood sugar.

Once upon a time, I had time.  For myself.  Now, my toe nails need some love.  My bra fits a little differently.  My curling iron might not even work anymore, I don’t know.  I can’t take a shower without an audience.  I’ve started using eye cream.  I don’t get carded any more.  My proof of motherhood.  Proof that somebody needs me.  That right now, somebody always needs me.  Like last night…

At 3am I hear the little footsteps entering my room.  I lay still, barely breathing.  Maybe he will retreat to his room.  Yeah right.

“Mommy.”

“Mommy.”  A little louder.

“Yes”.  I barely whisper.

He pauses, his giant eyes flashing in the dim light.

“I love you.”

And just like that, he is gone.  Scampered back to his room.  But, his words still hang in the cool night air.  If I could reach out and snatch them, I would grab his words and hug them to my chest.  His soft voice whispering the best sentence in the world.  I love you.  A smile curls across my lips and I slowly exhale, almost afraid to blow the memory away.  I drift back to sleep and let his words settle into my heart.

One day that little boy will be a big man.  There will no longer be any sweet words whispered to me in the wee hours.  Just the whir of the sound machine and the snoring husband.  I will sleep peacefully through the night, never a worry of a sick child or a crying baby.  It will be but a memory.  These years of being needed are exhausting, yet fleeting.  I have to stop dreaming of “one day” when things will be easier.  Because, the truth is, it may get easier, but it will never be better than today.  Today, when I am covered in toddler snot and spit up.  Today, when I savor those chubby little arms around my neck.  Today is perfect.  “One day” I will get pedicures and showers alone.  “One day” I will get myself back.  But, today I give myself away, and I am tired, and dirty and loved SO much, and I gotta go.  Somebody needs me.

SomebodyNeedsYou