Friday Introductions: Meet Kristin and Debbie!

We're joining the Friday Introductions bandwagon, and taking time each week to introduce you to some of our amazing volunteer staff! Because our wonderful staff has grown so much, (amazing, truly.) we are doubling up each week on the introductions. First, we introduce you to Kristin, our PMAD support group co-facilitator. (say that 5 times fast!) She is blunt in the best way possible, a wonderful listener, empathetic and has just the right amount of sarcasm. 

1) Introduce yourself! 

Hi! I’m Kristin Morgan. I am 27, I have one baby boy, Harvey, who is almost 10 months old. My role with TMC is co-faciliatating the PMAD support group. Prior to that, I co-facilitated the grief support group.

2) How did you come to work with TMC?

I moved to Lynchburg from Rochester, NY when I was 7 months pregnant. While living with my in-laws (because that’s the living situation every parent-to-be wants…) my mother-in-law suggested I check out TMC. I did, and immediately fell in love.

Then, I had my baby and my world turned upside down. I experienced postpartum anxiety mixed with mild depression. That was 9 months ago and I’m still working through some stuff. The silver lining is that my current role as the co-facilitator of the PMAD support group is not just something I wanted to do for professional or theoretical reasons, but now its something that I have experience with and can speak from. 

3) How do you take your coffee?

Mug half full of milk and half full of coffee. My mother says that I like a little coffee with my milk. But honestly, what do moms know?

4) If you could pick any vacation in the world, what would it be and why?

The Greek Isles. I am like 1/8 Greek (maiden name: Lazos) and my family migrated from the island of Lesbos. I would love to see if I could track down any living relatives. I also love exploring new cultures, places, and foods, so that would be a bonus.

Not doing that with an infant though. Refer to question 2—international travel + germs on airplanes + does this food have honey in it? + jet lag + omg is my baby crying on this plane right now!? + that guy just coughed , WHY didn’t he cover his mouth!? He must be some kind of sociopath that wants to get my baby sick. Either that or he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Probably both + am I going to get a staph infection from this airplane arm rest? I know a guy who totally did = anxiety provoking nightmare.

But no, I’m not neurotic.

5) What has been the hardest part about your motherhood journey?

Refer to paragraph 2, question 4: anxiety.

6) What has been the best part?

Watching this incredible person who I grew inside my body for 9 months grow (outside my body, thank goodness) into someone with a personality and preferences and joyous laughter and silliness.

7) Leggings as pants: yay or nay?

Yay, ONLY if you’re also wearing a shirt or tunic that covers your butt cheeks. The one caveat may be if you’re wearing exercise legging/pant/things. I don’t always cover my butt cheeks when I’m in those puppies. But I do most of the time because you never know who is staring at your badonkadonk when you’re slogging through that 2-mile run on the trail.

8) Favorite TV show?

If I’m feeling sophisticated and pairing my show with a Cabernet Sauvignon, I’d choose Downton Abbey. If I’m feeling goofy and pairing my TV show with a beer, I’d choose The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

But I don’t always drink and watch my shows. Just most of the time.

9) Favorite junk food?

Cookies, cake, chocolate, sour punch straws (weird, I know), sour patch kids, raisinets, nutella, nutella and peanut butter, nutella and ice cream, nutella and apples, nutella and crackers. You get the idea.

But I don’t have a sweet tooth.

Because I have sweet teeth.

10) Best advice you’ve ever been given?

“There’s no way to be a perfect mother, but there are a million ways to be a good one.”

Next we introduce Debbie, a professional Doula and our 'Cafe Mama'. She delights in loving on new mamas and their babies, and is one of the most genuine, caring people you could ever meet! 

1) Introduce yourself!

My name is Deborah Perdew, and my nickname is Debbie.  I am 59, been married to the same wonderful man for 39 years and I have 8 grown children ranging in age from 36 to 17 years. I have been a home-school mom for 32 years and when my last son decided to take college classes in 2014, my home-school closed, as all 8 of my students were now High School Graduates and in College. I was directed by God to a new path.  I have volunteered at Crisis Pregnancy Centers for 22 years and have had a passion to help young moms grow, become successful and flourish in their families and the community, and with the gentle nudging of friends { thank you Lauren Barnes ;) } I found myself training to be a doula with Dona International.  It is the best job in the world and I was designed for it!  I love being a birth doula and I have been also been able to work in the role of postpartum doula to many moms in various capacities.

2) How did you come to work with TMC?

Lauren Barnes is a dear friend and I had longed to “come alongside” her with TMC, so when she asked me if I would be willing to do childcare I said yes, and I am so glad I was given the opportunity to serve.  Once I became a doula Lauren asked me to help with TMC and I was overjoyed to become part of this wonderful work.

3) How do you take your coffee?

Black

4) If you could pick any vacation in the world, what would it be and why?

Back to Hawaii to see my son, I have only been home for 2 days after a 2 week visit and already miss him dearly, plus Hawaii was beautiful!

5) What has been the hardest part about your motherhood journey?

Juggling: newborn needs, toddler needs, older children needs & desires to be met, while still teaching someone to read and keep a home running smoothly.

6) What has been the best part?

Love, I love all of my children so much and would call all of them my best friends.  They bless me abundantly by allowing me to be a part of their adult lives, I wait to be invited “in” or to help and thankfully it happens often, so we are sharing life together.  I had a very different childhood, so I also feel like the love we have together allowed me to heal and almost re-do my childhood with them as we played, sang, read aloud, went on adventures, cooked together, etc. and as a home-schooling mom I had all day everyday with them, they were my delight.  In 1995 we became full time farmers, moving to the Eastern Shore of Maryland and the children ranging in age 16, 12, 9, 7, 5, 3 (two were yet to be born) all helped us establish and work our U-Pick Orchard and small Fruit Farm, and they reminisce about those days with us often. Those were precious days of learning and working side by side, watching things grow under our hands and enjoying the “fruits of our labor”. They all knew how important they were to us and how needed and I watched them flourish under the challenges.  Love, total love.

7) Leggings as pants: yay or nay?

nay

8) Favorite TV show?

“Call the Midwife"

9) Favorite junk food?

Pretzels with hummus

10) Best advice you’ve ever been given?

 Life is short, they grow up fast, love well, forgive quickly, make each day count.

Cafe Recap: Sex, Love and Other Things After Baby

Welcome to one of our favorite topics! We were so pleased to have two health care providers willing to help us shed some light on common issues that are all too often kept in the dark. We welcomed Katie Page, CNM, and Dr. John Pierce, MD to our cafe' morning on February 8, 2016.

Our bodies go through a number of changes during pregnancy and birth. We spent some time talking about what to expect, what’s “normal” after baby and what are signs of possible problems. Too often women feel uncomfortable discussing these topics, but our sexual health is important, which is why we do this cafe' each year! Continue reading for a recap of our February cafe entitled: "Sex, Love and Other Things after Baby."

Q: Could you give us a brief description of what our most delicate, feminine parts of our bodies have gone through in the birth experience, etc.? 

Katie shared an excellent graphic with us that detailed the variety of ways in which our vaginal area can be affected during and after birth. From minor swelling to 4th degree tears...some of the more severe tears were hard to even think about...but it showed that there are wide variations of 'normal', and healing will take different amounts of time for each woman. Also, our pelvic floor muscles will be weaker than before and need to strengthened. 

Q: I’m curious as to your thoughts why a morning on this topic is even necessary? What have you seen women in the postnatal period (or later) struggle to grasp and understand regarding sex after having a baby?

John: It's a topic that needs discussing because women (and their partners!) need to understand, from a medical perspective, what is going on physically and emotionally in a woman's body after giving birth. He has actually walked in to a hospital room to find couples having sex after just having had a baby (!) ... while each woman's body is different and the timeframe will be different, that's definitely not recommended, and we need to understand why. Also, it's important relationally...for true intimacy and depth of relationship. 

Katie: It's important physically, yes, but also mentally and emotionally...there are so many changes that happen in pregnancy and birth. Also, a birth experience, whether positive or negative, can dramatically impact sex.

Q: Our bodies physically undergo quite the transformation, but often women describe changes in their feelings about their partner and sex. What types of changes did your heart and mind undergo after becoming a mother? Did you feel the same? Different?

Katie: It was a big change, however, some of that is also cultural. We tend to be over-committed as a culture, and let things take over our whole life to the detriment of other areas of our life. I'm still ME. I'm a mother, but also all of these other things that I was before too...recognizing that this a new part of us, and a BIG PART of us, but not letting go of who we are as a person. That being said, there are lots of big emotions and big feelings that come and go after becoming a mother, and it is important to talk about them with your partner. It will take a lot of time, practice and patience, but it's worth it. 

Q: Why is there a 6 week freeze on intercourse? What is going on in a woman’s body during this time? 

John: It's different for everyone (although 2 days IS too short! see above). There is trauma, even in a good delivery. Muscles and nerves are stretched and nerves take longer to heal. To check how muscles are, you can 1) start to urinate then stop the stream or 2) put 1 or 2 fingers inside vagina and tighten, then release. This will help give you an idea of how well your muscles are healing (although the 6 week check is designed for your doctor to check on these things). If there has been a bad tear, it could be more than 6 weeks; if things are going smoothly, it could be as little as 3-4 weeks. Overall, take it slowly. There will probably be some vaginal dryness (use lubricant...even just some olive oil!) but there should not be pain.

Katie: There are some exercises that you can do to help...what John already mentioned are good things to do; if there is pain involved, you are not ready for sex. The 6 week check up is checking so much more than just the vagina; it's testing for soreness or issues in a host of other surrounding muscle groups as well. Kegels are good, but need to make sure you're both contracting AND relaxing...you need to be able to do both. Also, focus on good GENERAL health. When you feel better about yourself, you'll feel better about sex. Don't expect the baby weight to disappear in those 6 weeks, but give yourself some grace; be patient. Take time and space to take care of yourself, and you'll be more content and happy, which will have a positive impact on sex.

Q: What is 'normal' when it comes to having sex/frequency after baby? (note: when polled, the average time for the audience to have sex after baby was 'before 6 months'.)

Katie: There is such a wide range of normal! For some couples, sex everyday was normal before, but for others, sex once/month could be healthy and functional. Don't compare. If you and your partner are both comfortable, it's healthy. We as women tend to need to be aroused first, while for men, they think about it first and are then aroused. Add in abdominal/vaginal changes, and it's a lot! Talk about expectations and desires...both of you need to work together to find what works for your specific relationship.

John: Be aware of 'creeping separateness'. Where you slowly are drifting apart but don't really realize it. It will take time to figure out, but work at it as a team and together. It's important to continue to date one another and set aside time to talk as a couple about plans/dreams/desires for yourself, your relationship and your family. 

Q: So many say that the “best” foreplay is seeing their partner doing the dishes! But seriously, what types of foreplay would you recommend? Is foreplay even necessary?

John: Referred to the phrase, "Men are like a frying pan, women are like a crockpot." In essence, if things are going well outside the bedroom for a woman, things won't get well inside the bedroom either. (editor's note: it was at this moment that we all wanted to record Dr. Pierce's insights and play them in the background of our homes.) Men NEED to talk about expectations too! Learn each other's 'love languages'...how does the other one best receive love? Is it by doing the dishes for them? Then do them! Is it by saying 'I'll take care of the kids, you go take a bath'? Then do that! Recognize that this is a season, and there may not be a lot of time for foreplay, but if you can try to put each other's needs first when you are able, the sex will come a lot easier. Also, lube. Again the lube...it can be your best friend during this season!

Q: How have you personally maintained and found time for a healthy sex life? Any tricks of the trade? Has anyone ever shared any particular pearls of wisdom that stick with you?

Katie: When they're a newborn and can't roll yet, it's a lot easier...just put them somewhere safe: the floor, their crib, wherever, and you're good to go! :) For a while...schedule it. We schedule everything else in our lives, why NOT this?! After a while, you'll start just finding the time and it will become a new rhythm. (although, she noted, our short maternity leaves do not help in this area...we barely have time to adjust!) Schedule parental 'nights off' for each other, split up chores and tasks...use an adult chore chart! Also, if it's scheduled in, it helps your partner to know and anticipate taking over some parental duties so that you can prepare.

John: We need margin for time and space. Focus on your family; personally he and his wife made a clear boundary: the parents were prioritized and it was not all about the kids. Also, use 'code words' for sex, so you can talk and plan when you have a few minutes, even if the kids are around! Example: I'd like to go to a restaurant. Fast food, not gourmet. (get it? wink, wink.) Or having a cue, like him coming home to a lit candle means that you're thinking about it and in the mood...but also realizing that sometimes the best-laid plans can still go awry, and the baby will start crying, need to nurse, etc. Remember that it's not just the act of SEX, but how we promote acts of LOVE.

And that is a great way to end! If you have additional questions or feel you'd like more info on something we touched on here, please feel free to contact our blog editor at ameador@themotherhoodcollective.org and we'll help you find the answers you need!

Friday Introductions: Meet Alicia and Sonya

We're joining the Friday Introductions bandwagon, and taking time each week to introduce you to some of our amazing volunteer staff! Because our wonderful staff has grown so much, (amazing, truly.) we are doubling up this week on the introductions; this week, our Hospitality Team. First, we introduce you to Alicia, our generous and enthusiastic Hospitality Coordinator (and just gave birth to her second child!)

1) Introduce yourself! (name, age, kids? Job?)

Alicia Morgan, 27, Max (2 years and 4 months), and Ellie (born January 21st!). 10th and 11th grade English teacher at Jefferson Forest High School and 11th and 12th grade English teacher at Liberty University Online Academy! Oh, and my TMC job is Hospitality Coordinator – I run the meal team. 

2) How did you come to work with TMC?

I volunteered to help out with the Vintage Lynchburg sale one year, and Lauren and Maria asked me to step in as the hospitality coordinator.

3) How do you take your coffee?

In latte form. But I usually drink tea.

4) If you could pick any vacation in the world, what would it be and why?

As much as I would love to say travel to Europe or some beautiful beach, my favorite vacation (at this point in my life) would be a Disney cruise with my family! HAHAHA

5) What has been the hardest part about your motherhood journey?

Breastfeeding was so hard at first, but once we got the hang of it, it was amazing! Also, this second pregnancy has been hard to get excited about. As I write this, I am 2 weeks away from my due date, but I have had several close friends lose babies, have fertility problems, or suffer from PMAD, and so I have almost felt guilty to be excited about having another. Fortunately, I have been able to talk all of this out at the PMAD group and I have been talking with my husband about my struggles with anxiety and guilt, and now we are starting to get very excited!

6) What has been the best part?

Breastfeeding was wonderful and I cannot wait to BF my next little one. (she wrote this about 3 days prior to giving birth to that next little one) Also, I love talking with my son. He’s so smart and sweet, and while having a conversation with a 2-year-old is not always the most fruitful, we always laugh and have a good time!

7) Leggings as pants: yay or nay?

As a general rule… actually, as my number 1 rule in life, leggings are NEVER pants. Hahaha! But, I do love leggings. As long as the front and the rear are covered, leggings are the best!

8) Favorite TV show?

I love The Office and Parenthood.

9) Favorite junk food?

Chocolate!

10) Best advice you’ve ever been given?

"It’ll get done because it has to get done." This phrase got me through my Master’s Degree! Hahaha 

Next up, one of our newest members of the team, Sonya, our Nurture Basket Coordinator. Sonya provides us with wonderful wisdom and advice having gone through the 'trenches' of parenting and come out on the other side!

1) Introduce yourself! (name, age, kids? Job?)

Sonya Shaunassey, 55, 5 kids, (ages 21-29, 3 boys and 2 girls), full-time wife/mom/homemaker (and all the hats that involves). Before kids, I did foster care casework and worked for the WIC program doing nutrition education.

2) How did you come to work with TMC?

I became aware of TMC through knowing Lauren, our Executive Director. I remember watching her grow up, and remember her sweet mama as a dear friend when we were young moms. I found myself in the 'empty nest' season with more discretionary time, so I talked to Lauren...and here I am!

3) How do you take your coffee?

Whipped cream and cinnamon. (really just like 'warm coffee ice cream') 

4) If you could pick any vacation in the world, what would it be and why?

Mountains and horses; a Western dude ranch and cattle drive! (ask me tomorrow and I may have a different answer)

5) What has been the hardest part about your motherhood journey?

Walking through hurts with my children when life is just 'hard'. (broken friendships, broken hearts, health issues, failures, coping with a classmate's suicide, poor decisions and hard lessons.)

6) What has been the best part?

Getting to know the unique individuals who are my children (with all their faults and gifts)! And, living with my favorite people!

7) Leggings as pants: yay or nay?

Nay, without adequate coverage around the hind end. Yay, if worn with modesty in mind.

 8) Favorite TV show?

Downton Abbey and Fixer Upper.

9) Favorite junk food?

Chocolate brownie.

10) Best advice you’ve ever been given?

"Pick your battles."

Friday Introductions: Meet Jen!

We're joining the Friday Introductions bandwagon, and taking time each week to introduce you to some of our amazing volunteer staff! First up is Jen Douglas, our Grief Support Group leader, sassy, holds-nothing-back encourager, and all around one of our favorite people.

1) Introduce yourself! (name, age, kids? Job?)           

            -Jennifer (Jen) Douglas

            -32 Years Young

            -2 Furry Babies (Matilda is a 9 year old Maltipoo and Hudson is a 4 year old Morkie)

            -Nanny for 2 Wonderful Kiddos

2) How did you come to work with TMC?

-I came to work with TMC after a craft night for Vintage Lynchburg 2 years ago.  I was paired up with Lauren and was able to share about how my journey to becoming a mother has looked so different, as we have not been able to have a child yet.  I shared how it has been lonely as all of my friends have grown their families with beautiful children, that I love, but that I have stayed in the same spot with no children while many friends have had 3 of their own in the years we have been trying.  I had one friend who walked the infertility journey with me for some time but she was successful in conceiving her first time doing injections while I have had to go through 8 rounds and still have been  unsuccessful.  Lauren shared with me that TMC had just stared an Infertility, Miscarriage and Child Loss Support Group.  I went to the next meeting and after a few months of attending, when they wanted to start a second monthly meeting for the group Lauren asked if I would consider leading it. That was almost 2 years ago!

3) How do you take your coffee?

            -With skim milk and maybe a little flavor or stevia

4) If you could pick any vacation in the world, what would it be and why?

-I would love to visit all of Europe. I was able to live there for 7 months and there is so much more to see...but I would have to say I would also love to do a 50 state vacation.  There is so much to see in our country; I would love to have an extended vacation to really take in the beauty of the good old USA!

5) What has been the hardest part about your motherhood journey?

-The hardest part has been not becoming a mother.  It has been a journey that I feel like I have been on my whole life as I have longed for children for as long as I can remember but it has been real for the past 5.5 years as we have been trying.  It has been super emotional, physically demanding, financially taxing, and really hard.

6) What has been the best part?

-Getting to dream about what parenthood will look like with my husband.  Also getting to love on all my friends kids has been pretty great!

7) Leggings as pants: yay or nay?

-YAY!  I am wearing them now.  The only rule is your butt and other areas need to be covered by a shirt or sweater. 

8) Favorite TV show?

-I am a TV junkie so: Breaking Bad, 6 Feet Under, Dexter, Homeland, Shameless, Brooklyn 99, Last Man on Earth, SNL, Grey’s Anatomy, Gossip Girl (I love NYC I grew up in CT), The Real Housewives (My inner sociologist finds it fascinating), New Girl, How I Met Your Mother (Ugly cry when that show ended)...really the list could go on and on.

9) Favorite junk food?

            -Candy or anything sweet!

10) Best advice you’ve ever been given?

            -“No is a complete sentence!”  Still learning this one!