Café Recap: Handling Transitions, Becoming a Big Kid

Panelists:  Dr. Stacey Hinderliter (Pediatrician, Mama), Catherine De La Hunt (LLL Leader, Mama), Josie Olsen (Counselor & Play Therapist, Mama), Lauren Coleman (Mama), and our moderator Erica Wolfe.

Potty Training

While we could devote an entire cafe to this topic, we're going to try to sum it up quickly. Dr. Hinderliter advises that to be ready for potty training your child should be: sometimes dry when you go to change them, communicative with you (either verbally or with signs), able to stand on their own and get their clothes off quickly. Children are not usually ready before 18 months, and it is helpful if the child is around other potty trained kids.

Elimination Communication (EC) is a different form of "potty training". It involves having the child on the potty sometimes and gradually moving away from diapers. Some people start this as early as a few days after birth, and others wait until closer to a year. The process starts by observing and noticing patterns in your children. Once you are aware of the signs, you can get your children on the potty and start teaching them what it is for. It can lessen the trauma involved with "traditional" potty training, because the potty is not a new or foreign concept. Catherine feels that EC is a gentler form of teaching babies or toddlers to use the potty. There are several books on the subject, as well as a very helpful EC Yahoo! Group.

Lauren has tried four different methods with her children. She learned the hard way that being too hard or expecting too much from a child will backfire. She feels that cloth diapers help kids feel wet more than disposable diapers, which aids potty training. Leaving her children naked also allows easier access for kids to the potty.

Josie started by having the potty available to explore and get familiar with. She tried to make it fun and enjoyable, and didn't rush the process. Her daughter was trained by two. One audience member used the three-day method of intensive potty training. She did away with diapers and used underwear or let her child go naked and was successful. Others have been potty training for a year and still use diapers at night. There are so many techniques and the best method depends on your child. Educate yourself about the different approaches and decide what is best for your kids.

Josie says that modeling and demystifying the process can help alleviate pressure and help avoid fear of the potty. You can try putting away the potty for a while if you are not having success, and try again later with a new positive attitude. Stress on parents can transfer to children, so remember to relax because your child WILL eventually be potty trained! Lauren points out that pressure from grandparents should be taken with a grain of salt, since circumstances were different back then (cloth diapers that were not as advanced as today's diapers, etc.).

Potty fears: Erica learned in her house that a child with a fear of pooping on the potty can be helped with play dough. She found that squeezing play dough and explaining how the poop is like play dough helped her child understand. Lauren mentions that a painful poop can scare a child, so be sure to up the fiber and water while potty training.

Sleep

Dr. Hinderliter says that sleep is an individual thing, and that it is related to a child's awake time. A happy, easy child who doesn't sleep much is doing just fine. An unhappy, moody child, on the other hand, may not be getting enough rest. Lack of sleep can impact a child's behavior and ability to learn. Some labels, like ADHD, could be avoided by more sleep. TV can be detrimental to a child's rest and lead to attention and behavior problems.

Some children gradually outgrow naps naturally, while others will need some coaching. Even if a child won't nap, some quiet rest time during the day can be beneficial.

Catherine found success with sleep by staying near to her children. She found that being available and giving them attention all day and then being present but unavailable at bed time worked for her kids. She let her children choose to lay on the floor nearby or to go get into bed. Her children slept in her bed until around 3 years of age. When they did transitioned to their own room she made a big deal of redecorating the room and making it a fun experience.

Lauren tried various sleep methods. Her first was in a crib, her second in a bassinet, and the second two bed-shared. She now shares a room with all of her children in an attempt to get closer to her older children. She moved their beds into her room for the summer. Josie co-slept and then moved her kids to a toddler bed at the foot of her bed. She gradually moved them to their own rooms, and now at 7 and 10 they have the option to sleep together. Erica's girls share a room and she highly recommends it. It is comforting for them to be together and they bond nicely. Her oldest daughter moved to a toddler bed at twenty months; she stayed in the same room, and was familiar with the bed by the time she made the transition. She was careful not to connect the transition with the arrival of the new baby (who would be using the crib, eventually). Catherine recommends a "14 year test"; ask yourself if this issue will matter 14 years from now to put your worries at ease.

Dr. Hinderliter reminds us to make bedtime a happy, peaceful time. It should not be punishment. She recommends reading (or another favorite quiet activity) before bed, and allowing your child to have a security object. With her own child she was flexible through two tent phases, keeping the lights on, and eventually removing photos from the walls in her room.

Behavior Issues

Temper tantrums are a well-known issue with toddlers. Lauren advises staying ahead of the tantrums; being aware of hunger, over-tiredness, over-stimulation, etc. can help to avoid tantrums. Avoidance and attention are two reasons that tantrums happen. Catherine calmly picks up a screaming child and removes them from the situation. Josie says not to label the child. Acknowledge their feelings, set a limit, and give them an alternative (Example conversation: I see that you are really angry about this. It is not okay to hit Mommy, though. If you'd like to sit quietly or hug this doll until you feel better, you can.) Catherine finds that getting down on the child's level and giving them the attention they need on a regular basis can help prevent tantrums. Dr. Hinderliter set limits and enforced them, even if they were inconvenient for her schedule (ex. leaving a store because of a tantrum). Talking through a tantrum can help with some kids, and staying calm yourself is important. At the end, a hug can do wonders for reassuring a child and moving on.

New Siblings

There are lots of things you can do to prepare a child for a younger sibling. Catherine's children were raised knowing that babies are important and a priority, in an exciting way. Letting little kids help and be involved with the baby will help older siblings feel important and included. She found that the hardest transition was when the babies were older and started to crawl and get into their siblings' things. Lauren prepared her children with dolls and pretend play, and threw a big birthday party for the new baby to make it fun for the older kids.

Eating

Toddlers are notoriously picky eaters. Dr. Hinderliter says not to worry too much about it. Make sure your children are hungry at meal times (limit snacks), and don't make a big deal if they don't eat. Drawing attention to it can make the situation worse. Give them the healthy food you want them to eat and let them choose what they eat (from that selection). Often they will eat well one meal, and not well at the next. Drinks can also fill kids up. Catherine did not make a big deal over food with her own kids, but her grandchildren struggle with mealtime. Her tactic is to remove any tantrum throwers from the room and continue the meal without them, until they are calm and ready to return. She also held a bedtime snack as collateral for eating their dinner.

Our panelists' favorite parts about raising kids in the 2-5 year age group: pretend play, making it through toddlerhood, their curiosity and questioning, letting them learn to do things themselves, and seeing their personalities develop.

Café Recap: 4th Annual Girlfriend's Guide to Birth

Welcome to a new series here on the blog, the Café Recap. After each Café Monday, we will post a summary of the information discussed on the panel. We hope to better include and inform those who are unable to attend the Café, and to serve as a resource for those who were present but can't quite remember all the details (hello, cute and distracting little babies, we're looking at you!) Please note that the article below is not professional advice. The Motherhood Collective does not claim responsibility or ownership of any of the ideas found below. Please consult with your Care Provider regarding any changes to lifestyle or habits. At The Motherhood Collective we encourage you to take a salad bar approach regarding this and all material. Take what you like. Leave the rest.

Its that time of year again! The 4th Annual Girlfriends' Guide to Birth, will have you laughing until there are tears in your eyes. Sometimes birth books just don't cover everything. If you are pregnant, come and join us for a candid morning filled with stories about birth from mamas you know. If you're not pregnant, join us and share something you wish someone would have told you. Whatever season you are in, the Annual Girlfriends Guide is sure to make you smile.

Our wonderful panelists: Lora Cartrett, Amanda Boywer, Erin Baird, Alisha Meador and our moderator, Lauren Barnes.

We see the movies; gushes of water, rushing to the hospital, followed by screams of pain and then a baby bursting forth. So what’s it really.... like? Lora's was just like the movies. Some didn't break until pushing.

Erin has had every behavior during labor- singing, screaming, bossing others around. Amanda, who is normally a quiet person, was a screamer and just didn't care who could hear or what they thought. With her second she nearly gave birth in the car, and the experience was so quick she found her self still in shock afterwords.

Husbands, wonderful as they are, are often less helpful than we'd hope during labor. Lora's big, burly husband turned into a crying mess, while Alisha's husband (a therapist) was almost too calm. Many husbands offer "advice" that is more or less helpful. A husband telling you how to push, or reminding you that women have been doing this for thousands of years, is not what a laboring woman wants to hear. Some husbands surprise us by being amazingly helpful and involved; moaning along with their wives, massaging, and offering support when needed.

Pushing positions: Stirrups are the "traditional" pushing position. For some this is helpful, when grabbing your legs is an impossible acrobatic feat. Some find that squatting or hand and knees is a more comfortable position for others.

Did you try to speed up your labor? Alisha found the shower to be soothing, as well as chanting and a glass of wine to keep her comfortable. Lora's blood pressure kept her in the bed for her first delivery, but with her second she moved and swayed to stay calm. A "peanut" ball is a comfort to some mothers who need to be in bed due to an epidural or other factors.

Pain coping mechanisms employed by our panelists include screaming into a blanket, negotiating with yourself internally, counting through contractions, chanting and listening to the sound of your own voice, and listening to a friend talk aimlessly. Amanda says that being mentally prepared and calm before getting to the hospital helps her.

What does pushing feel like? Our panelists said, "It's kind of like the biggest poop of your life." "You can't push with your legs, you have to push like a poop." "Something's happening, I'm not doing this. It's like the best/worst feeling ever. A painful feel good." "Pushing naturally felt good...with an epidural it's like psychic pushing." "Like reverse vomiting." "Something terrible is happening." Others don't feel the need to push, and feel that it is a much less involuntary process.

Poop during labor is something that many women are terrified about, but by show of hands actually pooping during labor is not especially traumatic. Some are not even aware of the fact, since there is so much going on during labor. Nurses are often excited by a labor poop, as it is generally caused by the head coming through the canal and is a sign of progress.

Did you know where to push? Or did you need direction from your labor team?Alisha and Amanda felt that they knew how to push when they were ready. Trying to push too early, though, does not feel natural. The placenta delivery also requires pushing sometimes. Others hardly notice the placenta delivery, while some find it to be painful to their already-sore bodies.

Our panelists would like to remind soon-to-be new mothers that your first labor does not have to be indicative of your second labor. If things didn't go as planned the first time, the next time it may! Use your previous knowledge and use each birth as a learning experience. It doesn't matter how you became a mom, even though sometimes external pressures make us feel inadequate. Motherhood is more than your birthing experience, and going from pregnancy to motherhood is an amazing accomplishment. Prepare as much as you can, but remember that when it comes down to it birth is out of your control.

We are so thankful to our great panelists and our audience for their participation. This was such a fun cafe, full of hilarious labor jokes and stories!