Community: A Cure for the Mom Wars

Call it what you want, “mom wars”, “mom-petition”, “avocado pointing”, the tension between moms has been getting a lot of attention in the media (or at least on blogs) lately. It seems like all summer long, there was at least one link in my Facebook feed on regarding this topic. This is not one of those posts. Over the summer I posted this on my Facebook wall…

“I know some of you have asked if I need any help now or after the baby comes. I am putting together a list of ladies who would be willing to bring a meal after baby. (My sister in law will be coordinating this). Also looking for one or two women who might be able to come sit at the hospital with me for an hour or two during my stay, in case Josh has to work at some point. (C-section stay is a bit longer and hard to pick up baby on my own). If you are interested in either of these just PM me with your e-mail address or comment here with it. Thank you ladies so much. Blessed to have so many wonderful women in my life.”

What followed was a beautiful string of replies and e-mails offering love and support. But my mother’s reply has played in my head over and over again for the past two and a half months.

She said, “Women helping women birth babies into the world: a song as old as time.”

Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? It’s not about simply saying “you do your thing and I will do mine”, but reaching out and actively doing life with each other.

As people, there is something deep within us that is designed to live in community. I believe that, as women, we feel this urge on a visceral level-- maybe never more deeply than when it comes time to bring a baby into the world. And yet, gone are the days of mothers, sisters and aunts being the ones by our side as we birth our children.

We live in a time and place where often births take place in a hospital and are attended by a staff of medical professionals we have never met, rather than by the women who know our hearts. We have taken the community and the support out of the birthing process and perhaps, by extension, taken it out of the mothering process as well. For some women, it has led to a return to home births attended by midwives and doulas, mothers and sisters. But for some women, for whatever reason, this isn’t an option. So where does that leave us?

We no longer live in a society where community comes naturally. It seems the days of knowing your neighbors and the names of all of your children’s friends’ parents, have passed. And so we must make our own community. We must choose to be actively involved in one another’s lives. Community isn’t easy. In fact, it is often messy, inconvenient and painful. We have to make the choice to invite people into our lives, and step into theirs. It’s not always easy or comfortable, but the rewards are beautiful. If you are busy investing in and loving on other moms, other women, other people, it’s a lot harder to judge them. When we choose to take an active role in one another’s lives, when we choose to love on one another, when we choose to do true community (no masks, no cliques) maybe the mom wars will fade away.

I Supplemented With Formula and Am Still Breastfeeding.

On July 6th, Miss E turned 18 months. On that day I nursed her in the glider I hadn't used for a while. As we sat there I couldn't help but think how far we had come. I want to be honest.

Those first few weeks were HARD! I wish people had been honest about it. The thing I heard most often was, "breastfeeding is natural, your body was made for this". Well, supposedly my body was made to have a baby, too, yet, Miss E was born via an unplanned c-section after 12+ hrs in the hospital. I couldn't push her out, but that's a story for another day.

Anyway here's what I want to say: while I agree formula should not be pushed on anyone, I do believe if used "properly" it can be helpful to a nursing mother. My intent is not to judge how someone chooses to feed their child, but to share how it was beneficial in my own breastfeeding journey. I can already hear the gasps and tsk, tsks from lactation consultants and breastfeeding advocates. But you know what? I don't think I'd still be breastfeeding if supplementing hadn't been suggested.

As a new mom, I was worried about Miss E's lethargy. Her latch was pretty good, but getting her to take an interest in nursing was a bigger problem. I felt that maybe this wasn't the way it should be. I talked to the nurses and they mentioned it to the pediatrician. On his next rounds, he asked me about my concerns and I expressed them. He then shared with me that in his family, his wife, also a pediatrician, struggled with breastfeeding their first child. He said that with all the studies out there, they didn't want to chance nipple confusion by introducing a bottle. It was different with their second child. After much research they decided that supplementing with formula wouldn't be so bad. Their second child was a better breastfeeder. He explained that since my milk hadn't come in yet, Miss E was using a lot of energy for little return and that could be causing the lethargy. He then explained to me how to supplement if I chose to do so. At each feeding, I was instructed to put Miss E to each breast for 10 mins, and only after that was I to give her a bottle. We only did it for her first week. After that I was comfortable enough that my milk had come in and felt she was nursing better.

So what's my point with all this?

I had resolved to breastfeed Miss E, but I know if I had continued to worry about whether or not she was getting what she needed, my resolve may have faltered. Having the formula available allowed me to continue to try breastfeeding without the fear that she would starve. It was a real fear for me, especially after my body "failed" at another natural process, birth. With the formula available, I stressed less about nursing. I knew that if it turned out I couldn't nurse, I had a back up plan.

We also have to be careful when we put so much emphasis on how much of a "superwoman" someone is for breastfeeding. Statements like that neglect the fact that although breastfeeding is natural, not all bodies are made to do it. We would never make a diabetic feel bad for not being able to produce insulin. I think because of my experience, I don't understand why we get into "breastfeeding versus formula feeding mommy wars". Shouldn't the point be that we are feeding our children? There are so many reasons why people choose to breastfeed and there are probably just as many reasons why people choose not to. The important thing for us to remember is cliched, but true. We haven't walked in another woman's shoes and therefore shouldn't judge her decisions.